So Friday has begun well. I had some blood work done and now I'm sitting at my favorite coffee shop in all the world, Marshall Coffee! All the world might be stretching it a little seeing how I've only been to the US, Canada, and Mexico. But hey, I dig it.
I'm not looking forward to work but I've gotta pay the bills. So to the cube I shall go and dwell away the day. I'm still looking for other means of employment. I've even thought with my degree I could join the Navy or Air Force. But alas, I have no desire to live by their strict laws and there is no need to put my wife through all that shit!
The masters program at UNT sounds good but I'm iffy as to what I'd do with it. It seems as if all my interests stray from the path of wealth and simplicity. Screw it, I just need some hobbies and an effort to put forth and it will all work out. I'm ready to go see Dr Syn next month and figure out how to right this ship. I'm sure that will help solve a few issues.
Until I write and you read again, peace be with you. And everyone take a moment out of your day to say a little prayer for those lost on 9/11! And for those over seas fighting for their memories and for our freedoms!
Friday, September 11, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Ever feel like the puppy in the window
Well I'm back and the wine festival was wonderful. It had some kinks and curves thrown in but all around it was good. We found a wonderful pizza joint that I wish we had here. I actually remember all of the events that took place this weekend...good or bad unfortunately. But good times were had and vino flowed like well, wine/water take your pick. I got to meet a cousin and it was nice to meet her. She seemed like a very nice lady. Maybe we can hangout with her more soon.
Now we're back in work and it's wonderful or some such nonsense. And life goes on and we return to that oh so loving rut of work and living for the evenings and weekends. As ole blue eyes said, 'That's life' and so it is.
I can't wait to go back and see my friend Dr Syn, the man that helped to change my life. I'm hoping to get my act back together and progress through life some more. For the last few months I've been feeling light headed and having all sorts of issues. I believe that my system is out of whack with the way it should be. I think I've actually malnourished myself and this crumby diet that I have partaken in has really interfered with my day to day operations of how I should be. It's the ravings of a mad man. I know not for certain of that which I speak but I speak nonetheless.
I have felt like I'm floating outside looking in on myself. I am lethargic and stuck in that mindset. I have enough energy to stay upright and do my job but when I get home I don't do anything. I know it sounds lazy but here as of late I've taken it to a different level. I'm kind of scared...don't tell anyone. That's why I'm getting blood work tomorrow and going back to see my Dr in Lubbock. I really do think this will sort my issues out. I make it sound worse than it is. It's not all that bad, I'm just not the same person this way. I feel like I'm standing behind glass watching...hence the title of this raving.
I've actually got a solid story playing out in my mind for my manuscript...TO BE CONTINUED.
Now we're back in work and it's wonderful or some such nonsense. And life goes on and we return to that oh so loving rut of work and living for the evenings and weekends. As ole blue eyes said, 'That's life' and so it is.
I can't wait to go back and see my friend Dr Syn, the man that helped to change my life. I'm hoping to get my act back together and progress through life some more. For the last few months I've been feeling light headed and having all sorts of issues. I believe that my system is out of whack with the way it should be. I think I've actually malnourished myself and this crumby diet that I have partaken in has really interfered with my day to day operations of how I should be. It's the ravings of a mad man. I know not for certain of that which I speak but I speak nonetheless.
I have felt like I'm floating outside looking in on myself. I am lethargic and stuck in that mindset. I have enough energy to stay upright and do my job but when I get home I don't do anything. I know it sounds lazy but here as of late I've taken it to a different level. I'm kind of scared...don't tell anyone. That's why I'm getting blood work tomorrow and going back to see my Dr in Lubbock. I really do think this will sort my issues out. I make it sound worse than it is. It's not all that bad, I'm just not the same person this way. I feel like I'm standing behind glass watching...hence the title of this raving.
I've actually got a solid story playing out in my mind for my manuscript...TO BE CONTINUED.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Opportunities
In life you are aforded only so many opportunities before they stop. Thanks to a good man and friend they are still here. I really hope this new opportunity comes through. It would be a perfect fit.
I've got my fingers crossed!
I've got my fingers crossed!
Sunday, August 30, 2009
New Mexico Wine Fest...The Past
So it's almost Labor Day once again and that means it's time for the New Mexico Wine Festival. This will be our fourth year to attend. If you like wine and mixing it with a good time...friends, strangers and all sorts of other oddities...this is the place for you. It's a party in a park and I look forward to it every year.
There are so many stories from our past three trips and I'm looking forward to new stories from this year. When I have more time I'll write up some of these stories so stay tuned. We have been talking about it all week and we still have a week to wait. So I think this week I will tell some of the better stories.
There are so many stories from our past three trips and I'm looking forward to new stories from this year. When I have more time I'll write up some of these stories so stay tuned. We have been talking about it all week and we still have a week to wait. So I think this week I will tell some of the better stories.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Technology and it's effects.
Today I was looking at Amazon, and twitter, and Publishers Weekly and there is a lot of chatter out there about the Kindle. This world we live in moves so fast and you either jump on and hold on or just let it pass at it's own pace. I'm trying to transition and jump and hold but part of me just says screw it. So much is gained by technology yet how much is lost in the fray?
I can't help but think what wide spread usage of the Kindle will do to the book industry and reading in general. I'm a self proclaimed Bibliophile and my wife will attest that every week I'm bringing to books home. Some I won't ever read but they seem like something that would interest me. Some I'll read parts of and get bored with them, others I'll simply tear through as if they are a present under the tree on Christmas Eve. But every single book I have, will have and will never have are just friends that I will meet along my life cycle.
It puzzles me, the thought of curling up on the couch, in bed, or in a chair and reading a book on a flat screen hand held computer. It's so impersonal and uninviting. It seems to me that the imagination would suffer and the enjoyment would turn more towards torture than pleasure. Where are the pages that brown and yellow with age? Where is the scent of paper and ink and binding glue that creates that magical concoction of a book? Walking into a book store would equate to walking into a averagely white hospital waiting room with nothing but the smell of Ammonia to tide you over.
What happens to book stores in general? Will there be a need for bookshelves any longer or will it all be online downloadable content that further removes humanity away from the act of being human? Not only book stores but what happens to writers when there is no more scanning the isles for that next great read. The excitement of searching through a mountain of books for your next thrill ride or emotional release will be extinct. I fear that unless your a known entity within the writing world you will be lost in the wake of the technological marvels that will propagate and proliferate humanity.
Think about it. When you go to a book store you might already know what book you're looking for...especially if you fall into the Oprah book club cult (another rant for another raving)...but along the way you meet and greet new friends on the shelf or best seller tables. Hell, you might even adopt one and take it home with you even though you planned on buying just the one book. But when you go to Amazon or some other online book source you go straight for the kill and buy that one book and you might...MIGHT...checkout the 'other people that bought this book are interested in these as well' link that will lead you to a book you might come back for if you remember. But other people that bought said book won't really look at other books either so your source for the new up and comer is limited to the coding within the website.
Now to the 'meat and potatoes' of this raving! If you go to Amazon, or any of the thousands of sites that will surely poke their surly heads up in the future, to download a Kindle book, which I believe you'll probably be able to just down load from a list on Kindle, you don't even look. For all the aggression the populace has shown for rights and freedoms this seems to me like others have decided how to take the freedom and God given right of free will out of the mix. I assume they believe that everyone is far less complex then themselves and that the more simple and streamlined the process the easier we as humans will enjoy the process. I'm not a primate, I have free will and an intellect that allows me to gain excitement through knowledge and the hunt for a good if not great book. I digress! So you download a 'book' from Kindle and you will NEVER take the time to see what's new out there. You will follow blindly over the cliff like other lemmings that took the leap into the known. I believe that this will ruin the writing world and the market in it's entirety.
I guess nothing is free and with new technologies we give up 'small' things that others deem are no longer important. I love technology and I don't know where I'd be without it but there are certain things I don't want. I see the Graphic Novel soon to be movie Surrogates becoming real life. Why get your hands dirty and struggle with the challenge when you can sit back and let technology do the work? I won't own a Kindle and if I ever get published I hope to never put a book on Kindle. That being said if it comes down to my principles or my family and I surviving I'll sell out in a heart beat. So what I'm saying is let's stop this computer 'book' thing before it gets started. I don't want to be put in that situation and I don't want to lose the escape a book store and a great book brings to my life.
If you haven't noticed readers are seen as standoffish and aloof at times. We're not, we are just addicted to reading and the knowledge and escapism that pour forth as we devour books. Also, this is something that I'm passionate about but something I'm torn about as well. I hope to one day be nothing more than a writer, take that whichever way you will, and I want to be able to support my wife, kids if we have any, and all family by writing. I'd love to be the next JK Rowling or Vince Flynn or Robert Ludlum or Lee Childs and write for a living, but if the market switches to computer 'books' then it leaves me little choice...hop on or get run over...and I just hope it doesn't come to that. I just hope I can write good paper bound books that release the scent of the Gods every time you flip open the cover or turn the pages.
I can't help but think what wide spread usage of the Kindle will do to the book industry and reading in general. I'm a self proclaimed Bibliophile and my wife will attest that every week I'm bringing to books home. Some I won't ever read but they seem like something that would interest me. Some I'll read parts of and get bored with them, others I'll simply tear through as if they are a present under the tree on Christmas Eve. But every single book I have, will have and will never have are just friends that I will meet along my life cycle.
It puzzles me, the thought of curling up on the couch, in bed, or in a chair and reading a book on a flat screen hand held computer. It's so impersonal and uninviting. It seems to me that the imagination would suffer and the enjoyment would turn more towards torture than pleasure. Where are the pages that brown and yellow with age? Where is the scent of paper and ink and binding glue that creates that magical concoction of a book? Walking into a book store would equate to walking into a averagely white hospital waiting room with nothing but the smell of Ammonia to tide you over.
What happens to book stores in general? Will there be a need for bookshelves any longer or will it all be online downloadable content that further removes humanity away from the act of being human? Not only book stores but what happens to writers when there is no more scanning the isles for that next great read. The excitement of searching through a mountain of books for your next thrill ride or emotional release will be extinct. I fear that unless your a known entity within the writing world you will be lost in the wake of the technological marvels that will propagate and proliferate humanity.
Think about it. When you go to a book store you might already know what book you're looking for...especially if you fall into the Oprah book club cult (another rant for another raving)...but along the way you meet and greet new friends on the shelf or best seller tables. Hell, you might even adopt one and take it home with you even though you planned on buying just the one book. But when you go to Amazon or some other online book source you go straight for the kill and buy that one book and you might...MIGHT...checkout the 'other people that bought this book are interested in these as well' link that will lead you to a book you might come back for if you remember. But other people that bought said book won't really look at other books either so your source for the new up and comer is limited to the coding within the website.
Now to the 'meat and potatoes' of this raving! If you go to Amazon, or any of the thousands of sites that will surely poke their surly heads up in the future, to download a Kindle book, which I believe you'll probably be able to just down load from a list on Kindle, you don't even look. For all the aggression the populace has shown for rights and freedoms this seems to me like others have decided how to take the freedom and God given right of free will out of the mix. I assume they believe that everyone is far less complex then themselves and that the more simple and streamlined the process the easier we as humans will enjoy the process. I'm not a primate, I have free will and an intellect that allows me to gain excitement through knowledge and the hunt for a good if not great book. I digress! So you download a 'book' from Kindle and you will NEVER take the time to see what's new out there. You will follow blindly over the cliff like other lemmings that took the leap into the known. I believe that this will ruin the writing world and the market in it's entirety.
I guess nothing is free and with new technologies we give up 'small' things that others deem are no longer important. I love technology and I don't know where I'd be without it but there are certain things I don't want. I see the Graphic Novel soon to be movie Surrogates becoming real life. Why get your hands dirty and struggle with the challenge when you can sit back and let technology do the work? I won't own a Kindle and if I ever get published I hope to never put a book on Kindle. That being said if it comes down to my principles or my family and I surviving I'll sell out in a heart beat. So what I'm saying is let's stop this computer 'book' thing before it gets started. I don't want to be put in that situation and I don't want to lose the escape a book store and a great book brings to my life.
If you haven't noticed readers are seen as standoffish and aloof at times. We're not, we are just addicted to reading and the knowledge and escapism that pour forth as we devour books. Also, this is something that I'm passionate about but something I'm torn about as well. I hope to one day be nothing more than a writer, take that whichever way you will, and I want to be able to support my wife, kids if we have any, and all family by writing. I'd love to be the next JK Rowling or Vince Flynn or Robert Ludlum or Lee Childs and write for a living, but if the market switches to computer 'books' then it leaves me little choice...hop on or get run over...and I just hope it doesn't come to that. I just hope I can write good paper bound books that release the scent of the Gods every time you flip open the cover or turn the pages.
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
A blah day...
I don't know what it was today but it was just so...MEH. Nothing special happened, good or bad, it was just a strange day. Oh well I guess we all have them. My problem is my mind works over time, without any real assistance from yours truly, and it's nonstop. I don't know how else to explain it. It picks apart all plans, dreams, and ideas. It finds the worst in every situation and tries to encompass all possible solutions. Yet it wears me out no matter what the outcome.
On a brighter side of things I did dig into my Masters program application package. I forgot I had it so I went through it today and there are many great options for me to look forward to. So that was extremely nice to take my mind off of...well everything. I'm sure with this Masters under my belt in a couple of years my professional value will soar. I just have to focus and plan on missing out on a few choice things over the next two years or so.
I went to my parents tonight while my wife was in class. She works so hard it makes me tired. All go and no stop...I can tell she's found her passion in photography. It was great to see my mom tonight, I haven't seen her in about a week. I'm a mamas boy so that was quite a while for me. My dad is just melting away before our eyes. He's looking good, a little stiff still but doing well. I can't wait until he goes to get some new clothes in a few months. That will be good times all around. We can have a good laugh and he will amaze himself.
Off to bed for some reading. The way my mind is still churning I might blog again later, I might not so we'll see how the 'sleeping' thing goes.
On a brighter side of things I did dig into my Masters program application package. I forgot I had it so I went through it today and there are many great options for me to look forward to. So that was extremely nice to take my mind off of...well everything. I'm sure with this Masters under my belt in a couple of years my professional value will soar. I just have to focus and plan on missing out on a few choice things over the next two years or so.
I went to my parents tonight while my wife was in class. She works so hard it makes me tired. All go and no stop...I can tell she's found her passion in photography. It was great to see my mom tonight, I haven't seen her in about a week. I'm a mamas boy so that was quite a while for me. My dad is just melting away before our eyes. He's looking good, a little stiff still but doing well. I can't wait until he goes to get some new clothes in a few months. That will be good times all around. We can have a good laugh and he will amaze himself.
Off to bed for some reading. The way my mind is still churning I might blog again later, I might not so we'll see how the 'sleeping' thing goes.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Good news
Well a week full of Monday's has brought me to some good news. Last week a position in our department became available and it's something I feel like I could do well. I applied for it even though I don't quite meet the requirements. I would like to move up in the company but I'm not looking to stay forever. This would be a great chance for me to gain experience and have a job that meshes with my Masters that I will be getting.
That being said today I was pulled aside this afternoon and was told that even through all the drama of last week I handled myself professionally and took responsibility for my mistakes and fixed said mistakes. This position has had many applicants but my name is on the list and I do have a good working relationship with my company and boss so I'm hoping my name will be placed higher on the list. There were no promises made or any wink wink nudge nudge type actions. He was just letting me know that I would be good for the job. And you know what, it's kind of nice to know every once in awhile that your actions are being noticed even though you have to suffer through hoping for change.
Strange but hey it's how I roll as they say. So I'm hopeful that I can get this position for several reasons: experience in a field I hope to move up in, it will allow me to have a job and get my masters that goes with the job, and it will help my wife and I have an all around better life.
So I got that going for me...which is niiiice!
That being said today I was pulled aside this afternoon and was told that even through all the drama of last week I handled myself professionally and took responsibility for my mistakes and fixed said mistakes. This position has had many applicants but my name is on the list and I do have a good working relationship with my company and boss so I'm hoping my name will be placed higher on the list. There were no promises made or any wink wink nudge nudge type actions. He was just letting me know that I would be good for the job. And you know what, it's kind of nice to know every once in awhile that your actions are being noticed even though you have to suffer through hoping for change.
Strange but hey it's how I roll as they say. So I'm hopeful that I can get this position for several reasons: experience in a field I hope to move up in, it will allow me to have a job and get my masters that goes with the job, and it will help my wife and I have an all around better life.
So I got that going for me...which is niiiice!
Monday, August 24, 2009
Dreaming again
So another day has come and gone and I'm remiss to think of wasted opportunities. So here I sit blogging and thinking what I should have and could have done. I can't help but feel the dichotomy between personal and professional life. My personal life is at the apex and rising yet my professional life is found wanting. Cliches come to mind, 'if I knew then what I know now' 'if I could go back and do it all over again' yada yada yada and so it goes. But I really don't think I would change much...it's why I am who I am.
I keep thinking what should I be when I grow up and it's all over the place. I can't find happiness in any one job. The only place I've ever felt truly myself is in a coffee shop. But I refuse to go back to the remedial barista just to work in the cafe again. I'd love to open my own...we've talked about it...but the start up is killer. I would love to do a cafe/bakery/place for me to write my novels and I shall. I was watching Cake Boss and I would love to have a place for my family...immediate and extended...to come work and be close to one another and just have a good life. Is that too much to ask? Probably but I don't care, I'm at my ends in a cubical.
Walking in every morning like a drone to sit in my halogenic world full of overly bright whites combined with imperfections of aged yellow teeth molding. Weeping into my neutral clad carpeted half wall hoping to find my way out like Papillon and his desire for freedom. The only thing that keeps me going everyday is my coffee...strange but true.
Now to the logistics of the matter...
Well I haven't got a clue as to the exact amount any longer but I'll get it all back in order and find investors/grants/loans and lotto winnings right?! ha Well off to plan.
I keep thinking what should I be when I grow up and it's all over the place. I can't find happiness in any one job. The only place I've ever felt truly myself is in a coffee shop. But I refuse to go back to the remedial barista just to work in the cafe again. I'd love to open my own...we've talked about it...but the start up is killer. I would love to do a cafe/bakery/place for me to write my novels and I shall. I was watching Cake Boss and I would love to have a place for my family...immediate and extended...to come work and be close to one another and just have a good life. Is that too much to ask? Probably but I don't care, I'm at my ends in a cubical.
Walking in every morning like a drone to sit in my halogenic world full of overly bright whites combined with imperfections of aged yellow teeth molding. Weeping into my neutral clad carpeted half wall hoping to find my way out like Papillon and his desire for freedom. The only thing that keeps me going everyday is my coffee...strange but true.
Now to the logistics of the matter...
Well I haven't got a clue as to the exact amount any longer but I'll get it all back in order and find investors/grants/loans and lotto winnings right?! ha Well off to plan.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Here still...again
Another weekend has come and gone and I can't help but wonder why they have to be so short. I need to start writing professional and that way my job won't seem so bad when the weekends over. Don't get my wrong I know there won't ever be a job worth leaving a weekend for but hey, it's got to be better then what I'm doing now.
Well I'm off...it's a short one but one nonetheless. I'm going to go read. I just finished a book by Patrick Lee 'The Breach' a fabulous book...doesn't come out until December but when it does pick it up. I'm thinking about starting a new blog about new authors? Just and idea, feel free to leave feed back...if anyone actually reads this.
Well I'm off...it's a short one but one nonetheless. I'm going to go read. I just finished a book by Patrick Lee 'The Breach' a fabulous book...doesn't come out until December but when it does pick it up. I'm thinking about starting a new blog about new authors? Just and idea, feel free to leave feed back...if anyone actually reads this.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
My Dad
I got to hangout with my dad some today. We went to the movie and enjoyed it. If you'd have asked me ten years ago if my dad and I would be this close or even on speaking terms I probably would have said no. But within the past five years he has become my closest guy friend, hell my best friend.
Used to I always felt he was judging me or expecting things from me that could never be seen as possible. But now looking at it I can see that it was me not meeting expectations that I had internally for myself. You could even say subconsciously I wasn't living up to my own standards. It was never his thoughts or wishes for me to live up to anything other then my potential. I believe to my core that it was never him watching me or scrutinizing me, it is that he helped raise me and both my parents have set high expectations for themselves and they pasted that along to both children. I was doing everything I could to get myself killed/arrested and I was not living up to my potential. And since my mom and I are actually a lot alike he was my point of interest when I need to find someone to blame. It is so strange viewing this now when I felt so fervently in the past.
My dad resonates high expectations and standards, yet these are what he has set for himself and no one else. He doesn't hold or have these expectations and standards so he can be judged by them or seen as a man of quality, he has them for himself so he can be proud and happy with himself. I know that with me God, with my help, broke the mold in my creation, in my dad I believe that God built a special mold just for him. He didn't break it, he was the only one meant to use that mold. I have big shoes in front of me to fill but I know that my dad isn't expecting me to fill them, he just wants me to be myself and happy.
I know that he doesn't care what I've done or who I became or where I've been...he avoids those stories at all costs...that's why I know he's my best friend and a father that is just proud of his son! I sit here and view what I know of my dad and I wonder if I can ever live up to, strike that. Not live up to but I wonder if I can ever be like him, as wonderful a man, father, husband, friend that he has been to us all. It's funny, I lived with him for so many years and never realized how lucky I have been to have been given a father like him. I've been blessed in so many ways! My dad, my wonderful mother (who just so happens to be another best friend), my lovely sister and her husband and kids, and my wife and bff...there are no words to describe how I feel about my wife...blessed and loved.
I just hope that I can be as good a man to my wife and children, if we have any, as he has been to me and my mom and sister. He is just somebody who has an opinion that I value and a shoulder I can lean on and a person I can bump my ideas off of. I'm so happy for him and proud of him for having his surgery and just being himself. He is stronger then I am, we've both had the same surgery and he just walked right through it and it makes me smile. I am one lucky bastard that is for sure.
Dad if you read this I'm sorry for how I was and I appreciate your unconditional love. You DA MAN!
Used to I always felt he was judging me or expecting things from me that could never be seen as possible. But now looking at it I can see that it was me not meeting expectations that I had internally for myself. You could even say subconsciously I wasn't living up to my own standards. It was never his thoughts or wishes for me to live up to anything other then my potential. I believe to my core that it was never him watching me or scrutinizing me, it is that he helped raise me and both my parents have set high expectations for themselves and they pasted that along to both children. I was doing everything I could to get myself killed/arrested and I was not living up to my potential. And since my mom and I are actually a lot alike he was my point of interest when I need to find someone to blame. It is so strange viewing this now when I felt so fervently in the past.
My dad resonates high expectations and standards, yet these are what he has set for himself and no one else. He doesn't hold or have these expectations and standards so he can be judged by them or seen as a man of quality, he has them for himself so he can be proud and happy with himself. I know that with me God, with my help, broke the mold in my creation, in my dad I believe that God built a special mold just for him. He didn't break it, he was the only one meant to use that mold. I have big shoes in front of me to fill but I know that my dad isn't expecting me to fill them, he just wants me to be myself and happy.
I know that he doesn't care what I've done or who I became or where I've been...he avoids those stories at all costs...that's why I know he's my best friend and a father that is just proud of his son! I sit here and view what I know of my dad and I wonder if I can ever live up to, strike that. Not live up to but I wonder if I can ever be like him, as wonderful a man, father, husband, friend that he has been to us all. It's funny, I lived with him for so many years and never realized how lucky I have been to have been given a father like him. I've been blessed in so many ways! My dad, my wonderful mother (who just so happens to be another best friend), my lovely sister and her husband and kids, and my wife and bff...there are no words to describe how I feel about my wife...blessed and loved.
I just hope that I can be as good a man to my wife and children, if we have any, as he has been to me and my mom and sister. He is just somebody who has an opinion that I value and a shoulder I can lean on and a person I can bump my ideas off of. I'm so happy for him and proud of him for having his surgery and just being himself. He is stronger then I am, we've both had the same surgery and he just walked right through it and it makes me smile. I am one lucky bastard that is for sure.
Dad if you read this I'm sorry for how I was and I appreciate your unconditional love. You DA MAN!
Friday, August 21, 2009
What a week
I'm so glad this week is over. I've had five consecutive Mondays and it blew. A long week at work with the multiple questions coming up and only one response. How many times can you be put in the hot seat to answer questions that are all the same yet phrased differently? I spent at least an hour a day with the higher ups explaining that due to their persistence on moving forward a human error was made by yours truly. I take full responsibility for the problem and I take full responsibility for addressing and fixing said problem. Yet somehow they believe that deception on my part is at the heart of the matter. Believe me if I was planning on doing something that stupid it would have been far more creative and far more destructive to the bottom line. But I like the people I work with, if not for, and I like the paycheck as well. So why oh why would you think that...no idea.
On a good note I got my Xbox back and I'm horrible at it. All I need is a little, or a lot, of practice and I'll be back to normal in no time flat. It's nice to have that escape back. I'm glad to be writing as much as I am this week as well. It's still not enough but it's a start and I'm proud of myself for it nonetheless.
On my manuscript idea I'm full of mixed emotions. Which story to write or should I just combine them into one?! One story becomes better and the other loses value...in my mind anyways. So do I start with the story that saved me from myself or do I build upon the new ideas. Either way both will be written and you will one day have them on your shelf at home.
Well time to practice and escape for a few more hours.
On a good note I got my Xbox back and I'm horrible at it. All I need is a little, or a lot, of practice and I'll be back to normal in no time flat. It's nice to have that escape back. I'm glad to be writing as much as I am this week as well. It's still not enough but it's a start and I'm proud of myself for it nonetheless.
On my manuscript idea I'm full of mixed emotions. Which story to write or should I just combine them into one?! One story becomes better and the other loses value...in my mind anyways. So do I start with the story that saved me from myself or do I build upon the new ideas. Either way both will be written and you will one day have them on your shelf at home.
Well time to practice and escape for a few more hours.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Thoughts
So I missed a day in my attempt to write a little everyday...well I'm back. Not much on my mind tonight which for me is strange. I have been thinking a lot about the future and what it holds. I've applied for a Historian position but I don't hold out much hope. It's more of a crap shot then any real process of elimination. I know that I'm qualified and capable of being the best Historian they'll probably never hire but that being said it's more of a luck of the draw situation. I'm not holding my breath but my fingers are crossed.
I've also been thinking about other jobs outside of the data entry field. I'd love to open a coffee shop but the funding is hard to come by. It takes a lot of money to open up a place that could meet the quality and standards I'd expect. But I'm not ruling it out either. I've been checking usajobs.gov quite a lot as well...not much I'm qualified for or that I'd enjoy. So what to do what to do?
I've been wanting to be a writer for a long while now yet I find myself dreaming in my head and not even attempting to write any of it down. Maybe I'm scared or just lazy or both. But at every turn something 'comes up' that keeps me from doing what I know I'll be good at. I've always been a person that prefers the backdrop to the foreground. I'm not interested in leading the way, just paving it. I like to follow and have a long long leash to do as I see fit yet life doesn't appear to work that way. I'll make it work because that's how I am. I prefer things to fall in my lap rather then pursue them. Nothing I've ever really done has taken a lot of work...at least it seems that way. Maybe because when I find something I love or that I'm good at it just doesn't seem hard to me.
Take the most important thing in my life. My wife that just so happens to be my best friend. I used to think and I hear people talk about how hard it is to FIND that one person. Funny thing is I was miserable and lonely and headed down three different roads, which were all leading to my demise, when I just happened to walk through the proper door. I was invited over to a party at her place and I went. It was that simple! For me at that time in my life I never went to parties or went out really. I just decided that I needed to try something a little different that would get me out of my comfort zone and BAM there she was. I wasn't looking and all of a sudden the fire that was dim within me has now become a nova force to be reckoned with. I can't imagine life without her and I have no idea how I ever made it without her but I did...and I regret damn near every minute of it.
But to be that fortunate twice in one life would exceed any logic and truth that holds firm to this world and reality in general. I must write and leave the excuses for other things...I'm human lol. So now it's time to step out of the comfort zone again and hope to get smacked in the face with another wonderful surprise while working my ass off to obtain that which I desire...a completed manuscript written by yours truly.
I've also been thinking about other jobs outside of the data entry field. I'd love to open a coffee shop but the funding is hard to come by. It takes a lot of money to open up a place that could meet the quality and standards I'd expect. But I'm not ruling it out either. I've been checking usajobs.gov quite a lot as well...not much I'm qualified for or that I'd enjoy. So what to do what to do?
I've been wanting to be a writer for a long while now yet I find myself dreaming in my head and not even attempting to write any of it down. Maybe I'm scared or just lazy or both. But at every turn something 'comes up' that keeps me from doing what I know I'll be good at. I've always been a person that prefers the backdrop to the foreground. I'm not interested in leading the way, just paving it. I like to follow and have a long long leash to do as I see fit yet life doesn't appear to work that way. I'll make it work because that's how I am. I prefer things to fall in my lap rather then pursue them. Nothing I've ever really done has taken a lot of work...at least it seems that way. Maybe because when I find something I love or that I'm good at it just doesn't seem hard to me.
Take the most important thing in my life. My wife that just so happens to be my best friend. I used to think and I hear people talk about how hard it is to FIND that one person. Funny thing is I was miserable and lonely and headed down three different roads, which were all leading to my demise, when I just happened to walk through the proper door. I was invited over to a party at her place and I went. It was that simple! For me at that time in my life I never went to parties or went out really. I just decided that I needed to try something a little different that would get me out of my comfort zone and BAM there she was. I wasn't looking and all of a sudden the fire that was dim within me has now become a nova force to be reckoned with. I can't imagine life without her and I have no idea how I ever made it without her but I did...and I regret damn near every minute of it.
But to be that fortunate twice in one life would exceed any logic and truth that holds firm to this world and reality in general. I must write and leave the excuses for other things...I'm human lol. So now it's time to step out of the comfort zone again and hope to get smacked in the face with another wonderful surprise while working my ass off to obtain that which I desire...a completed manuscript written by yours truly.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Sleep you wicked fickle thing
I can't sleep again...imagine that. So I toss and turn and think and toss. So here I am trying to get some of this restlessness out of my system. Nothing new really to say today. Work was...well it was a Monday that's for sure. It went from meh to worse in no time. I'm glad the mistakes were caught but I wish that the bureaucratic attitudes that prevail at the cubical battlefield were more friendly to those on the same side. But I guess that's just the nature of the globalized laissez-faire world that I happen to live in work in.
I did get my entire application into Kirtland today so that is a bright light on this Monday. I really do hope that I'll hear back from them sooner than later but time will tell. I do have a couple of hopeful contacts that I shall attempt to call on tomorrow and see what is going on with the position. I would really like to become a full time Historian and I do like the idea of Albuquerque. If not this position then maybe another one will open up.
I also heard from Xbox today and my just started getting repaired so another plus for today! Ha I'm a closet geek it would appear...yet I live in the open as a closet prep so explain that combo to me!?
A true problem is figuring out this AdSense business...I really haven't spent that much time on but it's giving me fits. I need to look into that a little or a lot more. It'd be a nice add on to have.
Alright time to hit the sack. Maybe one day I'll actually come up with a theme for my blog and not just post nonsense on it...or start a new one I guess. Nice idea if I do say so myself, yet I struggle to even write on this one everyday.
meh we'll see.
I did get my entire application into Kirtland today so that is a bright light on this Monday. I really do hope that I'll hear back from them sooner than later but time will tell. I do have a couple of hopeful contacts that I shall attempt to call on tomorrow and see what is going on with the position. I would really like to become a full time Historian and I do like the idea of Albuquerque. If not this position then maybe another one will open up.
I also heard from Xbox today and my just started getting repaired so another plus for today! Ha I'm a closet geek it would appear...yet I live in the open as a closet prep so explain that combo to me!?
A true problem is figuring out this AdSense business...I really haven't spent that much time on but it's giving me fits. I need to look into that a little or a lot more. It'd be a nice add on to have.
Alright time to hit the sack. Maybe one day I'll actually come up with a theme for my blog and not just post nonsense on it...or start a new one I guess. Nice idea if I do say so myself, yet I struggle to even write on this one everyday.
meh we'll see.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Mind in overdrive
So it's a little late and I've got to be to work tomorrow but I just can't seem to find sleep. My mind has always been active by nature...some would argue over active. It's all point of view and whatnot. I am a consummate worrier even on nights like tonight when there is nothing to worry about. Am I forget about something I should be remembering ie. I'm worrying because I have nothing to worry about I guess. HA Maybe I'm just worried about work seeing how the weekend ends in about 10 minutes and Monday will be upon us once again?! Not sure but hey it's what I do.
I would say that I'm worried about smoking. It's the only real habit I've had in my life that I can't kick. One weak moment opens up another four months of smoking. It's tough but I've been through and survived worse. I'm no longer bullet proof and I can feel the years of this habit taking it's toll. Not that I'm sick or anything but I've become congested and I can hear myself breathing...raspy like a marble in a drain pipe. I've got the ole smokers hack building and my throat is always dry.
I've been off track on my diet for quite a while now and it worries me that I'm tossing one of the greatest opportunities I've ever had aside and returning to my true form...round and unhealthy. I need to call Dr. Syn and get a new blood work sheet sent to me and just go do it. I need to set an appointment with him as well. I'm so lethargically lazy these days that I can't seem to do anything that I need to.
I'm also worried about money. I'm not talking about the now but the future! I want to be able to be debt free and buy my wife the fanciest house in the world with all the trimmings and addon's. I know she doesn't care for all that but nonetheless she shall have it one day. I just want her to have the best...I get that from my dad I do believe.
I think the thing that is keeping the cogs turning the most this evening is the new position I applied for over the weekend. I would actually get to use my History degree! How sweet would that be?! If I get the job I will actually be employed as a Historian. FINAGH I could think of no better career than to be a paid HISTORIAN! The market is so tight and overcrowded that it won't be easy and that's the part that worries me the most. If I get the position there is no limit to the heights I could possibly go within the Historical field of study. Environmental Masters and PhD. Word. Published and quoted. I would get a chance to be involved within the Historical community and it would allow for great things.
I worry because I have a desire to move and it doesn't seem to be some passing fad in the night. It's just something I'd like to do and I think Albuquerque would be a good place. BAH there's no telling and as Hill says, "don't worry about what's out of your control." Wish it were actually that easy...which it probably is...she's usually right...the past four years she's yet to be wrong...good track record I'd say. ha
I would say that I'm worried about smoking. It's the only real habit I've had in my life that I can't kick. One weak moment opens up another four months of smoking. It's tough but I've been through and survived worse. I'm no longer bullet proof and I can feel the years of this habit taking it's toll. Not that I'm sick or anything but I've become congested and I can hear myself breathing...raspy like a marble in a drain pipe. I've got the ole smokers hack building and my throat is always dry.
I've been off track on my diet for quite a while now and it worries me that I'm tossing one of the greatest opportunities I've ever had aside and returning to my true form...round and unhealthy. I need to call Dr. Syn and get a new blood work sheet sent to me and just go do it. I need to set an appointment with him as well. I'm so lethargically lazy these days that I can't seem to do anything that I need to.
I'm also worried about money. I'm not talking about the now but the future! I want to be able to be debt free and buy my wife the fanciest house in the world with all the trimmings and addon's. I know she doesn't care for all that but nonetheless she shall have it one day. I just want her to have the best...I get that from my dad I do believe.
I think the thing that is keeping the cogs turning the most this evening is the new position I applied for over the weekend. I would actually get to use my History degree! How sweet would that be?! If I get the job I will actually be employed as a Historian. FINAGH I could think of no better career than to be a paid HISTORIAN! The market is so tight and overcrowded that it won't be easy and that's the part that worries me the most. If I get the position there is no limit to the heights I could possibly go within the Historical field of study. Environmental Masters and PhD. Word. Published and quoted. I would get a chance to be involved within the Historical community and it would allow for great things.
I worry because I have a desire to move and it doesn't seem to be some passing fad in the night. It's just something I'd like to do and I think Albuquerque would be a good place. BAH there's no telling and as Hill says, "don't worry about what's out of your control." Wish it were actually that easy...which it probably is...she's usually right...the past four years she's yet to be wrong...good track record I'd say. ha
Friday, August 14, 2009
Forward movement not sitting idle.
Do you ever feel lost in a world without walls and only open doors? It’s as if THE answer to THE question is right around the corner yet there are no corners in sight. Don’t get me wrong! I’ve got the best wife, a great family and friends that would never allow me to feel alone again; that being said there is just something missing. I’m constantly searching but for what I do not know. I don’t believe in fate yet it would be nice to just run blindly into something you couldn’t find and weren’t looking for. Destiny is a separate beast all together. It’s not what gets you where you’re going, it IS where you are going and/or end up. But it’s untamed and unknown. Is this the modern term of God works in mysterious ways or is it a natural reaction to atoms and ions conjoining to form some larger picture? Either way something’s missing and I need to find it.
I seem to be stuck not in a rut but in a revolving door of lethargy and inability to act. Would a wiser person just make a decision to change and go for it even if it’s wrong? I’m a dreamer by birth but these dreams never leave me. I believe that I’m scared to act because this creative mind is mine and the world might not view it or except it they way I have. Lord knows how many things in my life have been ruined due to the lack of action and the monotony of the day dream process that loops through my head.
To write and paint and delve into the arts is a never ending dream of mine. Yet the talent, in my opinion, is not within me and therefore, via my opinion of myself, will persuade others to see it/me the same way. How do I create the stories/images on a two dimensional piece of paper come alive for all the world to see as I see it in my head? The fear eats at me and the lethargic mentality that flows in these veins holds me back, yet I’m the only thing, one, and obstacle in my way. So how to change that? Baby steps to perfection or a giant leap that could land me somewhere I’ve never thought of being or ever wanted to go? True the baby steps work but I’m not a baby step kind of guy. The leap, while fascinating, is all in all a shady prospect at best. It’s a crap shot with my life. Not that I mind digging holes God knows, but to drag others down with me is beyond my desire.
So the corner I seek is somewhere out in the land of the unknown leap I believe. Now after pontificating from this mountain top which way do I leap? WOW such an analytical dreamer…I’m a freak of nature…but not to worry the analytical strings aren’t secured strongly and every day is a struggle to stay grounded. I thank my wife and my father for keeping me grounded and my mother for allowing me to float in the stars. Now how to meld this being together? The process will be difficult I’m sure! Not one thing in life worth doing is easily achieved so I set off in a direction of unknown consequence and strike my claim on the dream, the creative dream of life that will not consist of carpeted half walls and interdepartmental bureaucracy. Now if I could just find my notebooks and pens and a place to begin…late nights await and fulfilling a destiny that I haven’t a clue about. Ready, set, go.
‘For every challenge could have paradise behind it.’ ~John Popper
I seem to be stuck not in a rut but in a revolving door of lethargy and inability to act. Would a wiser person just make a decision to change and go for it even if it’s wrong? I’m a dreamer by birth but these dreams never leave me. I believe that I’m scared to act because this creative mind is mine and the world might not view it or except it they way I have. Lord knows how many things in my life have been ruined due to the lack of action and the monotony of the day dream process that loops through my head.
To write and paint and delve into the arts is a never ending dream of mine. Yet the talent, in my opinion, is not within me and therefore, via my opinion of myself, will persuade others to see it/me the same way. How do I create the stories/images on a two dimensional piece of paper come alive for all the world to see as I see it in my head? The fear eats at me and the lethargic mentality that flows in these veins holds me back, yet I’m the only thing, one, and obstacle in my way. So how to change that? Baby steps to perfection or a giant leap that could land me somewhere I’ve never thought of being or ever wanted to go? True the baby steps work but I’m not a baby step kind of guy. The leap, while fascinating, is all in all a shady prospect at best. It’s a crap shot with my life. Not that I mind digging holes God knows, but to drag others down with me is beyond my desire.
So the corner I seek is somewhere out in the land of the unknown leap I believe. Now after pontificating from this mountain top which way do I leap? WOW such an analytical dreamer…I’m a freak of nature…but not to worry the analytical strings aren’t secured strongly and every day is a struggle to stay grounded. I thank my wife and my father for keeping me grounded and my mother for allowing me to float in the stars. Now how to meld this being together? The process will be difficult I’m sure! Not one thing in life worth doing is easily achieved so I set off in a direction of unknown consequence and strike my claim on the dream, the creative dream of life that will not consist of carpeted half walls and interdepartmental bureaucracy. Now if I could just find my notebooks and pens and a place to begin…late nights await and fulfilling a destiny that I haven’t a clue about. Ready, set, go.
‘For every challenge could have paradise behind it.’ ~John Popper
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Been Awhile
So I can't even remember the last time I wrote on my blog. I had a ton of plans and ways to use it to make money. But once again my Lethargic lazy ass lifestyle has allowed me once again to miss out on another opportunity. What can you do?...Change it and you and any and all things that allow you to fail. My life is SO right at this time in my life yet parts are SO wrong at the same time. Not real sure how to explain it!
I believe this is the exact reason I stopped painting and that I hardly ever write. My mind is a mess but my heart and soul are wonderful...soul could probably use a touch of work :)...so what's my deal? I just need to become a man that act upon decisions. I'm so fearful about failing and disappointing those I love again; I just can't allow that to solder my feet to the floor and make me inactive.
So time to toss the bad habits. I want to do well and love what I do but I'm not sure such a beast exists?! I love the idea of grad school but time will tell. Can a degreed Historian ever use any skills that were acquired during undergrad? I love the research and report writing but the only place you can find a job like that is either as a Prof or Lawyer!? Hmmmm..
The Game industry is also fascinating to me but to follow that road leads to living in a broken state of Cali...beautiful but tough. My mind never slows and I love it but I wouldn't wish it on anyone else. The creativity melds with my thought process and gives me wonderfully terrible thoughts that one day will allow me to be published. Yet again the lazy life and the fear of failure, or is it the idea of disappointing the holds me back? Maybe it's the fear of trying and failing to take the story I've given life to and putting it on paper while conveying the emotion and meaning that I feel while 'dreaming' it up? How do you do it?
I believe this is the exact reason I stopped painting and that I hardly ever write. My mind is a mess but my heart and soul are wonderful...soul could probably use a touch of work :)...so what's my deal? I just need to become a man that act upon decisions. I'm so fearful about failing and disappointing those I love again; I just can't allow that to solder my feet to the floor and make me inactive.
So time to toss the bad habits. I want to do well and love what I do but I'm not sure such a beast exists?! I love the idea of grad school but time will tell. Can a degreed Historian ever use any skills that were acquired during undergrad? I love the research and report writing but the only place you can find a job like that is either as a Prof or Lawyer!? Hmmmm..
The Game industry is also fascinating to me but to follow that road leads to living in a broken state of Cali...beautiful but tough. My mind never slows and I love it but I wouldn't wish it on anyone else. The creativity melds with my thought process and gives me wonderfully terrible thoughts that one day will allow me to be published. Yet again the lazy life and the fear of failure, or is it the idea of disappointing the holds me back? Maybe it's the fear of trying and failing to take the story I've given life to and putting it on paper while conveying the emotion and meaning that I feel while 'dreaming' it up? How do you do it?
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Social Networking
I've really enjoyed the concepts of social networking. I hope that I can find a place in this world that will allow me to have a career in some aspect of social networking. I enjoy the ease and simplicity of blogging and the convenience of twitter. Both come straight to my phone, aka crackberry, and I really enjoy knowing whats going on in the world that I prefer to dwell. At the company I'm with now there is a big up shift in making the Internet site priority number one. I've been talking to the guy running lead on this and I have a meeting this Friday with him to discuss 'our' social networking hopes. Maybe I can get in that way.
I've also recently started watching @fourzerotwo on youtube and I would love to get into that aspect of social networking as well. He's the face and voice of Infinity Ward...love the games and gamers! But I haven't the slightest idea or 'project' to speak about when it comes to that road. I've also watched some simulcast/videos from my favorite authors. I am in the book business...sort of...and I do have some contacts within the publishing world but to do this I would have to find a job so we could move to the New York area. Not really interested in moving there. On the other hand it would be a step in that direction.
I've also found, thanks to @Brad_P, RebelFM on podcast at itunes. These cats are awesome and if you're into games give them a listen. @Chufmoney @dirtytea and @aegies and @talkingorange are some of the guys to follow on twitter. They run the the podcast and it is RAD. Now that would be something worth getting into. The game business is on a plateau right now but it will rebound. I'd also love to start podcasting for books...thrillers and medieval fantasy...but the writers are all over the place. Once again I don't want to move to the greater New York area. And starting a podcast has got to be expensive and overly time consuming. The time constraints wouldn't be and issue...but the acquisition of equipment and the hows and whys of setting one up are what get to me.
I hope to one day either work for a large gaming company or a publishing house...and above all become a NY Times best seller. I am gaining contacts in both industries at the moment and it's nice. Yet I'd still like to move from the retail side to the development side via social networking. Maybe my quasi meeting Friday will conjure up and entry into this side of the game. Keep your fingers crossed...I know mine will be.
Even though I complain a lot I know in my heart that I've got it great. I am a fortunate and blessed individual. I just have issues with career goals and ideas. I'm becoming more realistic now a days and I hope that I can turn this into a positive transition that will better my already GREAT life.
Feel free to leave comments or suggestions.
I've also recently started watching @fourzerotwo on youtube and I would love to get into that aspect of social networking as well. He's the face and voice of Infinity Ward...love the games and gamers! But I haven't the slightest idea or 'project' to speak about when it comes to that road. I've also watched some simulcast/videos from my favorite authors. I am in the book business...sort of...and I do have some contacts within the publishing world but to do this I would have to find a job so we could move to the New York area. Not really interested in moving there. On the other hand it would be a step in that direction.
I've also found, thanks to @Brad_P, RebelFM on podcast at itunes. These cats are awesome and if you're into games give them a listen. @Chufmoney @dirtytea and @aegies and @talkingorange are some of the guys to follow on twitter. They run the the podcast and it is RAD. Now that would be something worth getting into. The game business is on a plateau right now but it will rebound. I'd also love to start podcasting for books...thrillers and medieval fantasy...but the writers are all over the place. Once again I don't want to move to the greater New York area. And starting a podcast has got to be expensive and overly time consuming. The time constraints wouldn't be and issue...but the acquisition of equipment and the hows and whys of setting one up are what get to me.
I hope to one day either work for a large gaming company or a publishing house...and above all become a NY Times best seller. I am gaining contacts in both industries at the moment and it's nice. Yet I'd still like to move from the retail side to the development side via social networking. Maybe my quasi meeting Friday will conjure up and entry into this side of the game. Keep your fingers crossed...I know mine will be.
Even though I complain a lot I know in my heart that I've got it great. I am a fortunate and blessed individual. I just have issues with career goals and ideas. I'm becoming more realistic now a days and I hope that I can turn this into a positive transition that will better my already GREAT life.
Feel free to leave comments or suggestions.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Fond Times Lost to Memories
So we are back from Red River and if you've never gone or it's been awhile since your last trip you should definitely check it out! The town has grown immeasurably since I first started going there. There are new shops, sidewalks, hotels, restaurants, and curbs...yes they now have curbs! I tried, and desperately wanted, to blog from our porch or balcony but my service only allowed for phone calls. The beauty of that place will make your soul weep and your psyche will swim in relaxation. It is truly a wondrous place to vacation with those closest to you. No need to worry if you're not the outdoorsy type, as I said shops/spas/touristy stuff. But if you love the outdoors, this place is marvelous.
The rivers were swift, Rio Grande was running 1700+ cfm, and the stream fishing left something to be desired. But this made for great white water rafting! We set out with Arnie from Los Rios Rafting and had an exhilarating time. The bulk of our weight, three 250+ guys, sat in the back of the raft so we caused everyone else to fell as if they were paddling a ski boat! The pictures are wonderful. The rapids were pulsing and the enjoyment was overwhelming, that is a definite must do!
The guys in the tackle shop told us about some beaver ponds east of town in a quasi wilderness area.I caught one trout and Hillary had a nice size trout hit her hook and she tried to set the hook at the same moment the fish breached. The hook went left and the fish went right. It was a beautiful sight to behold.
My wife allowed her inner mountain woman to take hold and we went trapezing through the underbrush and waded through thigh deep water. The ponds back there were exquisite and packed with wildlife. It took her ten minutes to traverse the overgrown terrain to make it out on the 'loch' wall where she stood and fished a beautiful water hole. The beauty of Hill in her element was breath taking and she looked serene and serious all at the same time. That was until she ran into the owner of said beaver dam. In a yelp I heard, "BEAVER"! Two minutes later she had covered ten minutes worth of ground and was by my side again. It didn't take her long to recover and we were off fishing again. The hardest part of that excursion was when she allowed me to take the lead and push through the animal trails. I found a nice little place that we couldn't go right or left and the steep, 90 degree angled, bank loomed in front of us. So we began the little, yet steep climb out and with some cuts and bruises we made it back to the road.
While we were trailblazing Phil, Miss (T-Handle), and Ben were fishing the first beaver pond. Cameron went up into the mountains by Questa and did a little back country fishing in the wild rapids. He said some small Brookies were biting but nothing else. It's still a little early in the season and with the snow melt filling and pushing the rivers its keeping most fish docile. And due to excessive drinking and sleep deprivation Matt stayed at the cabin and napped. We were all drinking like fish but he was staying up late. We missed him and he missed out but what can you do? Can't say I blame the guy, when we got back I ate and went to bed shortly there after. Ben caught three trout, Miss caught four. We ate like kings and queens that night; eight fish for six people plus kielbasa sausage and veggies. Miss won the first annual 'Ye lil ole fishing tournamentay' so she won...well nothing.
When we awoke the next morning the weather reflected the group emotion, depressive and weepy. We weren't looking forward to leaving our little commune! The beauty and enjoyment was behind us and the real world, rutted, stress laden, every day that we were allowed to escape from for three or four days. The purse was saved by 'daddy' and the vehicles were loaded. We pulled out to do a little shopping before lunch and to have one last hooray. We went through the over priced shops and back to Der Market...over priced as well...and bought some souvenirs. We found a wonderful little Catina style Mexican food joint, Tia Buenas, and had some wonderful food and conversation. Hillary, Melissa, Phil and I discussed some of the local real estate and business that were for sale. Maybe a dream or it may be our future?! Only time will truly tell. The entire trip home was over cast and rainy, just as my mood was. The real world loomed and the splendor that was our friendly fun filled trip had become fond memories.
Until next time my friends...until next time.
The rivers were swift, Rio Grande was running 1700+ cfm, and the stream fishing left something to be desired. But this made for great white water rafting! We set out with Arnie from Los Rios Rafting and had an exhilarating time. The bulk of our weight, three 250+ guys, sat in the back of the raft so we caused everyone else to fell as if they were paddling a ski boat! The pictures are wonderful. The rapids were pulsing and the enjoyment was overwhelming, that is a definite must do!
The guys in the tackle shop told us about some beaver ponds east of town in a quasi wilderness area.I caught one trout and Hillary had a nice size trout hit her hook and she tried to set the hook at the same moment the fish breached. The hook went left and the fish went right. It was a beautiful sight to behold.
My wife allowed her inner mountain woman to take hold and we went trapezing through the underbrush and waded through thigh deep water. The ponds back there were exquisite and packed with wildlife. It took her ten minutes to traverse the overgrown terrain to make it out on the 'loch' wall where she stood and fished a beautiful water hole. The beauty of Hill in her element was breath taking and she looked serene and serious all at the same time. That was until she ran into the owner of said beaver dam. In a yelp I heard, "BEAVER"! Two minutes later she had covered ten minutes worth of ground and was by my side again. It didn't take her long to recover and we were off fishing again. The hardest part of that excursion was when she allowed me to take the lead and push through the animal trails. I found a nice little place that we couldn't go right or left and the steep, 90 degree angled, bank loomed in front of us. So we began the little, yet steep climb out and with some cuts and bruises we made it back to the road.
While we were trailblazing Phil, Miss (T-Handle), and Ben were fishing the first beaver pond. Cameron went up into the mountains by Questa and did a little back country fishing in the wild rapids. He said some small Brookies were biting but nothing else. It's still a little early in the season and with the snow melt filling and pushing the rivers its keeping most fish docile. And due to excessive drinking and sleep deprivation Matt stayed at the cabin and napped. We were all drinking like fish but he was staying up late. We missed him and he missed out but what can you do? Can't say I blame the guy, when we got back I ate and went to bed shortly there after. Ben caught three trout, Miss caught four. We ate like kings and queens that night; eight fish for six people plus kielbasa sausage and veggies. Miss won the first annual 'Ye lil ole fishing tournamentay' so she won...well nothing.
When we awoke the next morning the weather reflected the group emotion, depressive and weepy. We weren't looking forward to leaving our little commune! The beauty and enjoyment was behind us and the real world, rutted, stress laden, every day that we were allowed to escape from for three or four days. The purse was saved by 'daddy' and the vehicles were loaded. We pulled out to do a little shopping before lunch and to have one last hooray. We went through the over priced shops and back to Der Market...over priced as well...and bought some souvenirs. We found a wonderful little Catina style Mexican food joint, Tia Buenas, and had some wonderful food and conversation. Hillary, Melissa, Phil and I discussed some of the local real estate and business that were for sale. Maybe a dream or it may be our future?! Only time will truly tell. The entire trip home was over cast and rainy, just as my mood was. The real world loomed and the splendor that was our friendly fun filled trip had become fond memories.
Until next time my friends...until next time.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Half Walls in Haiku
Oh the joys of work!
Here I sit and act awake,
unconsciousness looms.
Yet I'm to lazy,
it would seem, to make the change.
I must look for more.
There must be something?
Pontificate from the cube,
there is something more!
Teaching and writing,
or sinking in this labyrinth,
I choose to progress.
Yet the dread that spawns,
is realized every day,
by talking half walls.
The silt covered dream,
washes away hope from those,
that dwell where cubes stand.
Here I sit and act awake,
unconsciousness looms.
Yet I'm to lazy,
it would seem, to make the change.
I must look for more.
There must be something?
Pontificate from the cube,
there is something more!
Teaching and writing,
or sinking in this labyrinth,
I choose to progress.
Yet the dread that spawns,
is realized every day,
by talking half walls.
The silt covered dream,
washes away hope from those,
that dwell where cubes stand.
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Still Here
It's been a while since I've been on here. I'm guessing I wasn't missed...my 'fan base' being what it isn't and whatnot. I'm lazy by nature and my memory isn't great. I'm getting old!
I found that out this past weekend. I was awake and drunk/hungover for about 36 hours and I'm still dealing with the whole staying awake thing. Work is nothing more than a bother yet I continue to show up. Now mix in the fact that I'm sleep deprived and my liver hurts and now you have one angry chubby kid sitting in a cube entering data. Good times...Good times.
So since no get rich quick schemes have worked, not that I've actually tried any but the lotto, I've decided to go back and get my teaching certificate. I want to use my degree and data entry wasn't cutting it. I'm actually excited about something so I'm sure it will go well. Wish me luck in this.
Well seeing how I'm supposed to be working I'm off to my cube to nap!
I found that out this past weekend. I was awake and drunk/hungover for about 36 hours and I'm still dealing with the whole staying awake thing. Work is nothing more than a bother yet I continue to show up. Now mix in the fact that I'm sleep deprived and my liver hurts and now you have one angry chubby kid sitting in a cube entering data. Good times...Good times.
So since no get rich quick schemes have worked, not that I've actually tried any but the lotto, I've decided to go back and get my teaching certificate. I want to use my degree and data entry wasn't cutting it. I'm actually excited about something so I'm sure it will go well. Wish me luck in this.
Well seeing how I'm supposed to be working I'm off to my cube to nap!
Monday, May 18, 2009
In General
It still amazes me that I am where I am. If you would have asked me ten years ago, "Where do you see yourself in a decade" my answer would not have been what I'm living. It's amazing really that so many bad things can happen in one life, and it can cause you to become a quasi evil soul. But with realization and an understanding of love the world can truly turn around. Sure, I complain a lot about my job, town, and life in general but when I look back over my shoulder at the road I have walked it amazes me that I'm breathing and loving and laughing here today.
I know it was in me to become 'me' again but I can't help but think that if my parents, sister and her family, and my wonderful wife wouldn't have stuck in there with me I don't think I would have reached this level of normalcy. I am actually to the point now where I want to reconnect with my friends that I have lost touch with. I never thought I would crave a relationship with anyone much less the above mentioned people and getting a chance to hangout with my best friend and his family last month really reawakened my desire to live it to the fullest.
If you've never seen or been to some dark places you might not understand. I want to live/laugh/love with all those that I care about. I'm grateful that my life has turned into baby steps of happiness. I don't say it a lot but thank you and I love you...y'all know who you are. I hope to rediscover my faith soon...maybe that's my next step?!
I know that the future will hold adventures, I seek more then I should but some will happen and others that are unexpected will happen as well. I guess what I'm saying is I want to travel, start businesses, move to amazing locations, become one with the world and along the way write some. No matter where life takes you, it gets better...trust me. If I don't make a lot of sense just nod your head and chuckle and maybe one day I'll write in a cohesive form...become a little ocd and do it right.
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I know it was in me to become 'me' again but I can't help but think that if my parents, sister and her family, and my wonderful wife wouldn't have stuck in there with me I don't think I would have reached this level of normalcy. I am actually to the point now where I want to reconnect with my friends that I have lost touch with. I never thought I would crave a relationship with anyone much less the above mentioned people and getting a chance to hangout with my best friend and his family last month really reawakened my desire to live it to the fullest.
If you've never seen or been to some dark places you might not understand. I want to live/laugh/love with all those that I care about. I'm grateful that my life has turned into baby steps of happiness. I don't say it a lot but thank you and I love you...y'all know who you are. I hope to rediscover my faith soon...maybe that's my next step?!
I know that the future will hold adventures, I seek more then I should but some will happen and others that are unexpected will happen as well. I guess what I'm saying is I want to travel, start businesses, move to amazing locations, become one with the world and along the way write some. No matter where life takes you, it gets better...trust me. If I don't make a lot of sense just nod your head and chuckle and maybe one day I'll write in a cohesive form...become a little ocd and do it right.
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Redeeming the Changes
So I've had a Gastric Bypass, the Roux-en-Y, and now I feel as if I'm wasting it. I'm to comfortable and I've grown lazy and somewhat lethargic. I feel like a Mike Vick...I've been given a gift and I'm pissing it away. I'm doing this for no other reason then I'm lazy. Now it's getting to the point to where I'm worried.
I miss my competitive athletic side. I need this back in my life...in a bad way. I know this will calm the Hurricane that is my mind and thought process. I know how I am and the only way I'll ever get this back is if I make it my life...not just an idea but a lifestyle.
I not only need it for my minds sake but for my life's sake. I refuse to have kids in a house of lethargy and total inactivity brought on by me. I want to redeem the gift I was given and I know it's not to late. If I can smoke and dip for the amount of years that I did and quit without true issue I know I can workout and do something that I love. For crying out loud some of the best times in my life were in a weight room.
My goals may seem self serving; I want to look good in some Under Armour, I want to run a marathon, and I want to try a triathlon. But my real goal is due to the fact that I met my best friend and soul mate and I want to spend all the time with her I can!! Plus she deserves a good looking fellow and a healthy family. Sure there are other goals but they are mine, and mine alone.
So now the choice must be made, and it will. I know I'll need help and I must remain focused. Trust me I have too...not a choice really. The success of me as a man depends upon this. Believe in me, watch me and follow me and it will be doable!
I miss my competitive athletic side. I need this back in my life...in a bad way. I know this will calm the Hurricane that is my mind and thought process. I know how I am and the only way I'll ever get this back is if I make it my life...not just an idea but a lifestyle.
I not only need it for my minds sake but for my life's sake. I refuse to have kids in a house of lethargy and total inactivity brought on by me. I want to redeem the gift I was given and I know it's not to late. If I can smoke and dip for the amount of years that I did and quit without true issue I know I can workout and do something that I love. For crying out loud some of the best times in my life were in a weight room.
My goals may seem self serving; I want to look good in some Under Armour, I want to run a marathon, and I want to try a triathlon. But my real goal is due to the fact that I met my best friend and soul mate and I want to spend all the time with her I can!! Plus she deserves a good looking fellow and a healthy family. Sure there are other goals but they are mine, and mine alone.
So now the choice must be made, and it will. I know I'll need help and I must remain focused. Trust me I have too...not a choice really. The success of me as a man depends upon this. Believe in me, watch me and follow me and it will be doable!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
From within
This life will lead you in circles and swallow you in undertones if you allow it too. It always amazes me how one minute you're up and the next minute you're worse for wear. I'm assuming I'm not the only one that feels this way?
I believe that the majority of my issues stem from a mind that never slows down; one that rarely if ever gives me a break to sit in silence. Sure I'm a dreamer but I'm a worrier too, or should I say more so. Small things hang in my mind like cobwebs that you can't see, nor can find them. The big issues seem to bother me less. I still worry more than the usual person but the small things send me into overdrive. I also thrive on self doubt and indecision! I wish I could grow out of this but I think it will take a valiant effort on my part and help from my wife.
She has already done so much for me that I can't ever thank her enough. Even though myself confidence/esteem remains lower then normal she has allowed it to blossom from the nothingness it once was into what it shall become! Amazing really. It taxes me that she worries more about me then herself. I'm not used to a non family members caring for me. It's the unconditional love that most will only read about in fairy tales. In this I know I'm blessed.
I'm trying to remember that writing clears my mind and soul. It's hard to remember that in life sometimes. Jobs, plans, problems all get in the way of what is and what should be. That my friends is why this blog was created. Feel free to comment...good bad and ugly...I need it, I want it, I thrive off of it. Baby steps to self worth...baby steps to rebuffing self doubt.
One day maybe I can write for a living and put this thesis to the test. Will writing hold up or will...self doubt rearing the head that must be loped off. One day soon I will write and I will seek adventures with my wonderful wife!
Humans are the proverbial work in progress...are we not?
I believe that the majority of my issues stem from a mind that never slows down; one that rarely if ever gives me a break to sit in silence. Sure I'm a dreamer but I'm a worrier too, or should I say more so. Small things hang in my mind like cobwebs that you can't see, nor can find them. The big issues seem to bother me less. I still worry more than the usual person but the small things send me into overdrive. I also thrive on self doubt and indecision! I wish I could grow out of this but I think it will take a valiant effort on my part and help from my wife.
She has already done so much for me that I can't ever thank her enough. Even though myself confidence/esteem remains lower then normal she has allowed it to blossom from the nothingness it once was into what it shall become! Amazing really. It taxes me that she worries more about me then herself. I'm not used to a non family members caring for me. It's the unconditional love that most will only read about in fairy tales. In this I know I'm blessed.
I'm trying to remember that writing clears my mind and soul. It's hard to remember that in life sometimes. Jobs, plans, problems all get in the way of what is and what should be. That my friends is why this blog was created. Feel free to comment...good bad and ugly...I need it, I want it, I thrive off of it. Baby steps to self worth...baby steps to rebuffing self doubt.
One day maybe I can write for a living and put this thesis to the test. Will writing hold up or will...self doubt rearing the head that must be loped off. One day soon I will write and I will seek adventures with my wonderful wife!
Humans are the proverbial work in progress...are we not?
Monday, May 11, 2009
Culturally Deficient
I can't help but think how deprived the people of Amarillo are for anything Cultural. Everyday I walk through the Sunset Art Gallery and wish there were more places like this. Sure we have, The 806...I've shamefully never been, and maybe a few other joints around this town. The majority are for the elitist money mongers that run the town, Symphony, ALT, Ballet etc. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy all of those places as much as the next person, but these 'artistic' places in Amarillo have become trendy.
I don't enjoy the knowledge that these artsy places are nothing more than status symbols. They have become places to be seen and not places to SEE! Amarillo is a major cross roads in America yet we have very little Art. Why is that? I know of some classic pieces of art that are owned either by private estates or corporations and even some schools in the area, but they are worth so much money that the privatization of said pieces is paramount to their security. By doing this all cultural value is lost and that a disgrace to be spoken at length about some other time. I'd like to think if we could afford great works of art we could also share them with the public through viewings or putting them on loan to organizations. Maybe I'm foolish to think this, time will tell.
The worst part about this immigration into an artistically defunct black hole is that the few breaths of an above ground art scene keep getting slaughtered in their cribs by organizations that like to rebel, ie REPENT, against art! These spiritual warriors kill hopes a dreams with their overblown egos and opinions. It is a God given right as well as a Constitutional Right which allows them to condemn the world as they see fit.
Opinions are free, everybody grab one. It's heart breaking to know that the only people speaking up and using these rights are the Crusaders of black and white, the book burners and the middle school chaperone's of my opinions. Sure the arts are basically used by the more liberally minded. And yes there are people with all sorts of alternative life styles that partake in the arts. But your belief structure is invading my ability to be my own person. If we stay here I fear I will be in the mix for change and a battle will ensue.
Where have the Che's/Robin Hood's/William Wallace's/Pancho Villa's all gone. Oh that's right...they are being PC and hiding away in the basements and closets...or have the been silenced via class action suit...
'Their hearts are made of hell'
I don't enjoy the knowledge that these artsy places are nothing more than status symbols. They have become places to be seen and not places to SEE! Amarillo is a major cross roads in America yet we have very little Art. Why is that? I know of some classic pieces of art that are owned either by private estates or corporations and even some schools in the area, but they are worth so much money that the privatization of said pieces is paramount to their security. By doing this all cultural value is lost and that a disgrace to be spoken at length about some other time. I'd like to think if we could afford great works of art we could also share them with the public through viewings or putting them on loan to organizations. Maybe I'm foolish to think this, time will tell.
The worst part about this immigration into an artistically defunct black hole is that the few breaths of an above ground art scene keep getting slaughtered in their cribs by organizations that like to rebel, ie REPENT, against art! These spiritual warriors kill hopes a dreams with their overblown egos and opinions. It is a God given right as well as a Constitutional Right which allows them to condemn the world as they see fit.
Opinions are free, everybody grab one. It's heart breaking to know that the only people speaking up and using these rights are the Crusaders of black and white, the book burners and the middle school chaperone's of my opinions. Sure the arts are basically used by the more liberally minded. And yes there are people with all sorts of alternative life styles that partake in the arts. But your belief structure is invading my ability to be my own person. If we stay here I fear I will be in the mix for change and a battle will ensue.
Where have the Che's/Robin Hood's/William Wallace's/Pancho Villa's all gone. Oh that's right...they are being PC and hiding away in the basements and closets...or have the been silenced via class action suit...
'Their hearts are made of hell'
Friday, May 8, 2009
Death of Artistic Desire
I'm not sure what my problem is but this past year has been the downfall of my artistic life. I used to write a lot and paint and draw. Now nothing. I have half finished projects flooding my mind and personal space. I have no real idea what has happened.
I'm going to guess that I've completely lost my artistic side or this job is sucking my soul out or I have become addicted to XBOX 360. I know that my passion for the arts hasn't died, and it won't! So let's just say it would be even money on a mixture of the last two ideas. This job and my xbox...I've placed inhibits upon myself.
I'm going to guess that I've completely lost my artistic side or this job is sucking my soul out or I have become addicted to XBOX 360. I know that my passion for the arts hasn't died, and it won't! So let's just say it would be even money on a mixture of the last two ideas. This job and my xbox...I've placed inhibits upon myself.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Understanding
I'm starting to dip my toes in the water of realization and it's amazing. My eyes have opened to the fact that a professional life is not necessarily having one job! I always thought to be successful you must find a job and progress through the ladder system of the corporation.
I was wrong, think about it. How many of the overly 'successful' people have just one job. Sure you have CEO's and CFO's of major companies yet they are intrapreneurial for their companies, as well as entrepreneurial in their private lives. The strangest thing is that all these entrepreneurs are happy with their work because it can shift with their hearts desire.
I can't believe it took someone like me this long to realize. I'm a modern American ADD stereotype. Why just one job with a boss when you can have several of your own, that you will have the potential to love; after all they are your darlings made from you. Yes, it will be hard work. A-Team can attest to that, but nonetheless it's yours!
The world is your oyster and all that. I know, you don't believe me. That's fine. Truly how often does the sky not fall and second chances given. Sit back and watch how it's done, you'll see. Wow first time in a long time!!
I sit here below as the waves of realization wash over my smiling heart. It feels as if my past is now serving its purpose. The Wanderlust continues to grow within, but the point contention and strife can now be defined.
Latitudes,Attitudes and whatnot.
I was wrong, think about it. How many of the overly 'successful' people have just one job. Sure you have CEO's and CFO's of major companies yet they are intrapreneurial for their companies, as well as entrepreneurial in their private lives. The strangest thing is that all these entrepreneurs are happy with their work because it can shift with their hearts desire.
I can't believe it took someone like me this long to realize. I'm a modern American ADD stereotype. Why just one job with a boss when you can have several of your own, that you will have the potential to love; after all they are your darlings made from you. Yes, it will be hard work. A-Team can attest to that, but nonetheless it's yours!
The world is your oyster and all that. I know, you don't believe me. That's fine. Truly how often does the sky not fall and second chances given. Sit back and watch how it's done, you'll see. Wow first time in a long time!!
I sit here below as the waves of realization wash over my smiling heart. It feels as if my past is now serving its purpose. The Wanderlust continues to grow within, but the point contention and strife can now be defined.
Latitudes,Attitudes and whatnot.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Dreams, Travel, Thoughts
I sit here and think, almost daily how I wish things could be. Compared to most I know that I have little to complain about. I have a beautiful wife that always listens to my rants and ravings and shows me love at every turn. A family structure that is wonderful and love that is unending, yet somethings missing!
I dream to live life to the fullest yet I'm scared of taking that step. I worry constantly that I will fail and be a disappointment again.I wish I knew how to regain my self confidence of old and lead my life in the proper direction and stop relying on others to 'show me the way'.
This life is not what I thought it would be while growing up. What's happened to the travel and writing I had planned? When did my dreams of the future become something to mock and bypass? I would like to move but there is no real reason. I know if we ever move it will be due to my incessant bitching. I don't want to feel like I'm forcing my wife to move because like I said, there is no real reason to move. Just a dream!
The dream that always comes back to me is saving money and selling the surplus of garbage that has been collected and stored in the garage/closet etc and getting passports and going to teach English overseas for a year or a life time. Travel writing/blogging and travel photos by the best photographer ever. Could it be any better? Time will tell I guess. I've got the travel bug and am in dire need of change and culture!
I keep thinking, 'you know what, maybe I should just got do the post-bac and become a teacher too. That way we can get paid and still have travel time every year.' It's a thought that continues to reoccur over and over in my head. I know I say a lot of things and cancel them out and return to them but I can't get come to a decision. I'm working on that as well. I need to pick a path and run with it until the end. I do love the idea of traveling with my wife...me a teacher? Stranger things and all that.
I think I've been freaking out a lot lately due to nicotine withdraw and a desire for something different. I have trouble sitting one place doing one thing for too long. I don't believe that moving will solve this feeling of disquiet, but there is a desire within my soul that is begging to see something different. That is my problem, if you will call that a problem.
This rut that we live in is getting to me a little. I know a little rut'ness is a good thing but that being said I want to see the world and experience things that people like me, and maybe you too, don't ever see. You know,the stuff we only read or hear about or see on the travel channel. That's what I want to do.
Maybe Jimmy's right 'my occupations just not around'. Time will tell and I'm working on it.
I dream to live life to the fullest yet I'm scared of taking that step. I worry constantly that I will fail and be a disappointment again.I wish I knew how to regain my self confidence of old and lead my life in the proper direction and stop relying on others to 'show me the way'.
This life is not what I thought it would be while growing up. What's happened to the travel and writing I had planned? When did my dreams of the future become something to mock and bypass? I would like to move but there is no real reason. I know if we ever move it will be due to my incessant bitching. I don't want to feel like I'm forcing my wife to move because like I said, there is no real reason to move. Just a dream!
The dream that always comes back to me is saving money and selling the surplus of garbage that has been collected and stored in the garage/closet etc and getting passports and going to teach English overseas for a year or a life time. Travel writing/blogging and travel photos by the best photographer ever. Could it be any better? Time will tell I guess. I've got the travel bug and am in dire need of change and culture!
I keep thinking, 'you know what, maybe I should just got do the post-bac and become a teacher too. That way we can get paid and still have travel time every year.' It's a thought that continues to reoccur over and over in my head. I know I say a lot of things and cancel them out and return to them but I can't get come to a decision. I'm working on that as well. I need to pick a path and run with it until the end. I do love the idea of traveling with my wife...me a teacher? Stranger things and all that.
I think I've been freaking out a lot lately due to nicotine withdraw and a desire for something different. I have trouble sitting one place doing one thing for too long. I don't believe that moving will solve this feeling of disquiet, but there is a desire within my soul that is begging to see something different. That is my problem, if you will call that a problem.
This rut that we live in is getting to me a little. I know a little rut'ness is a good thing but that being said I want to see the world and experience things that people like me, and maybe you too, don't ever see. You know,the stuff we only read or hear about or see on the travel channel. That's what I want to do.
Maybe Jimmy's right 'my occupations just not around'. Time will tell and I'm working on it.
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