Dreams, Travel, Thoughts

I sit here and think, almost daily how I wish things could be. Compared to most I know that I have little to complain about. I have a beautiful wife that always listens to my rants and ravings and shows me love at every turn. A family structure that is wonderful and love that is unending, yet somethings missing!

I dream to live life to the fullest yet I'm scared of taking that step. I worry constantly that I will fail and be a disappointment again.I wish I knew how to regain my self confidence of old and lead my life in the proper direction and stop relying on others to 'show me the way'.

This life is not what I thought it would be while growing up. What's happened to the travel and writing I had planned? When did my dreams of the future become something to mock and bypass? I would like to move but there is no real reason. I know if we ever move it will be due to my incessant bitching. I don't want to feel like I'm forcing my wife to move because like I said, there is no real reason to move. Just a dream!

The dream that always comes back to me is saving money and selling the surplus of garbage that has been collected and stored in the garage/closet etc and getting passports and going to teach English overseas for a year or a life time. Travel writing/blogging and travel photos by the best photographer ever. Could it be any better? Time will tell I guess. I've got the travel bug and am in dire need of change and culture!

I keep thinking, 'you know what, maybe I should just got do the post-bac and become a teacher too. That way we can get paid and still have travel time every year.' It's a thought that continues to reoccur over and over in my head. I know I say a lot of things and cancel them out and return to them but I can't get come to a decision. I'm working on that as well. I need to pick a path and run with it until the end. I do love the idea of traveling with my wife...me a teacher? Stranger things and all that.

I think I've been freaking out a lot lately due to nicotine withdraw and a desire for something different. I have trouble sitting one place doing one thing for too long. I don't believe that moving will solve this feeling of disquiet, but there is a desire within my soul that is begging to see something different. That is my problem, if you will call that a problem.

This rut that we live in is getting to me a little. I know a little rut'ness is a good thing but that being said I want to see the world and experience things that people like me, and maybe you too, don't ever see. You know,the stuff we only read or hear about or see on the travel channel. That's what I want to do.

Maybe Jimmy's right 'my occupations just not around'. Time will tell and I'm working on it.