My Dad

I got to hangout with my dad some today. We went to the movie and enjoyed it. If you'd have asked me ten years ago if my dad and I would be this close or even on speaking terms I probably would have said no. But within the past five years he has become my closest guy friend, hell my best friend.

Used to I always felt he was judging me or expecting things from me that could never be seen as possible. But now looking at it I can see that it was me not meeting expectations that I had internally for myself. You could even say subconsciously I wasn't living up to my own standards. It was never his thoughts or wishes for me to live up to anything other then my potential. I believe to my core that it was never him watching me or scrutinizing me, it is that he helped raise me and both my parents have set high expectations for themselves and they pasted that along to both children. I was doing everything I could to get myself killed/arrested and I was not living up to my potential. And since my mom and I are actually a lot alike he was my point of interest when I need to find someone to blame. It is so strange viewing this now when I felt so fervently in the past.

My dad resonates high expectations and standards, yet these are what he has set for himself and no one else. He doesn't hold or have these expectations and standards so he can be judged by them or seen as a man of quality, he has them for himself so he can be proud and happy with himself. I know that with me God, with my help, broke the mold in my creation, in my dad I believe that God built a special mold just for him. He didn't break it, he was the only one meant to use that mold. I have big shoes in front of me to fill but I know that my dad isn't expecting me to fill them, he just wants me to be myself and happy.

I know that he doesn't care what I've done or who I became or where I've been...he avoids those stories at all costs...that's why I know he's my best friend and a father that is just proud of his son! I sit here and view what I know of my dad and I wonder if I can ever live up to, strike that. Not live up to but I wonder if I can ever be like him, as wonderful a man, father, husband, friend that he has been to us all. It's funny, I lived with him for so many years and never realized how lucky I have been to have been given a father like him. I've been blessed in so many ways! My dad, my wonderful mother (who just so happens to be another best friend), my lovely sister and her husband and kids, and my wife and bff...there are no words to describe how I feel about my wife...blessed and loved.

I just hope that I can be as good a man to my wife and children, if we have any, as he has been to me and my mom and sister. He is just somebody who has an opinion that I value and a shoulder I can lean on and a person I can bump my ideas off of. I'm so happy for him and proud of him for having his surgery and just being himself. He is stronger then I am, we've both had the same surgery and he just walked right through it and it makes me smile. I am one lucky bastard that is for sure.

Dad if you read this I'm sorry for how I was and I appreciate your unconditional love. You DA MAN!