Frustration of the career change

It seems that certain entities like to punish you for bettering yourself. Maybe I'm being harsh, it could be softened by stating that they aren't punishing you, just taking advantage of your situation. I love the new career! I feel as if this is where I'm meant to be, but the hoops and 'fines' I'm paying to do it don't seem worth it. Maybe I'm a little bias due to the fact that I think this 'Graduate Level' class I'm taking would be better served to a 5th grader over a bed of rice. It's simple and infuriating. I don't understand why I must, but I must. Therefore I will. Thanks for the rant. It's been too long.

Pit of my stomach

I'm not sure why but I'm afraid of work. So it would seem anyways. I haven't a clue as to how I got to this position but here I stand, broken and nervous and anxious all the time. I don't believe that I actually fear work but I'm feel so far behind that I'm always nervous about it. Maybe I'm lazy and don't want to do it? Well how do I work so many extra hours and still fall short? I just need to sit down and do work. I need to get organized for sure and work smarter not harder. I know in a few months everything will sort itself out, but can I make it another few months? Nothing beats working hard, working your ass off. That's how you get caught up, that's how you get ahead. I just need to remember to keep my head down and get everything completed. I'm in need of relief in the form of other employees being hired on to take over part of my caseload but there's nothing that can be done about that on our end. I need to sit down with the boss and let her know what's going on and get back on track. I'm tired of feeling this way. A grown ass man shouldn't have these issues with work. I have a family, hopefully a bigger family sooner than later, and a life that takes priority over this job. Sit down, shut up and focus. Do work.

Where did it become putrid

I enjoyed this job, had hopes for this job. I have no idea where it went wrong or why I hate it. The people are great, the policies are fucked. I can't keep up and the catch phrase is "I promise it gets better." Bullshit I say, one grows numb but it doesn't get better. I sit down to focus and am interrupted with important stuff, other peoples important stuff. I can't get caught up, and I'm beyond caring about it yet I stress over it everyday. I will die young if I keep this job. I know I will. Heart attack or stroke brought on by stress. High blood pressure causing death. Something along those lines. You can quote me.

But where do I go? I feel incompetent here and under qualified elsewhere,  every where. We want to have a baby and I want my wife to be as comfortable as possible and stress free so I refuse to quit. I want a baby, I want said child to have a great life, therefore I won't quit. Maybe it will get better. Maybe it won't.

Random things

So random things pop in my head all the time. Thoughts that just appear from nowhere and make complete sense at the time, yet they have no point or meaning. Such as, "does one lose hope or do you just ponder the options." It made sense at the time but when you delve into the meaning it's obtuse at best.
Can your mind act as a lone entity within the confines of yourself? Do you contemplate and become fixated on one thing, idea, subject etc. so long that it becomes unanswerable or do you just lose site of the tree for the forest? Can you become so fixated on it that the outcome really doesn't matter or do you become jaded to the idea that the answer isn't the one you want, no matter how true it is, that you keep searching for something until you realize the answer you want isn't the answer to that question.
Yes, this is my thought process most of the day. I don't like living in my head yet I refuse to become medicated an completely turn it off. If you allow that to happen you are no longer you, you become them, whoever they might be. Makes sense right. Bah.
Maybe some people are meant to be unhappy in certain aspects of life while being elated at other aspects. My home life and family life is more than I could have ever hoped for, yet "what I want to be" is a fickle bitch of a question. I can't get it figured out. Is it a question that can be answered? Doubtful.
Dreams are of the stars and they don't descend to this level of existence,  so we must rise up to meet them correct? I'm not so sure. Every person doesn't deserve a trophy. But finding myself contemplating these questions makes me a wreck but I cannot just flip a switch and shut it off. So the venture continues and I remind myself of the good things, of the ground under my feet, of the questions answered. It keeps me happy and she makes me happy. Thus these are the Ravings of Deaver. Pointless and fruitless it seems. It helps me empty the garbage of my mind and opens more space to fill with unanswerable questions and random phrases and thoughts in my mind.
If dreams come true what shape do the take?

Where do you start...

I want to write. I want to be a writer. There I said it. Easier said than done. I haven’t the faintest clue as to why I don’t “Just write”. I’m scared, I’m lazy, and really don’t know how. I’ve taken classes on writing, I’ve read thousands of books. Yet when I sit down at the computer I just don’t know where to start. What type of book do I want to write? Do I want to write a book or a screen play or what? I’m not sure. I’ve got ideas yet I have no clue. I hate my professional life. I want to write and create, not sit at a desk and do work for others. Life is to short. But how do you write? There are styles and techniques yet where do you start? I know that I want to write as a career. Maybe I should start an online publication. Maybe I should do freelance. Maybe I should just get my foot in the door some how, but where, how? Time to hit the intranets and find out I guess.

…where do you start?

Inner Author

I've come to understand that I can write better than I speak. I've heard that it's due to not having to look into anyone's face, or that you have spell check, etc. Yet I know this isn't the case. It's easier for me to write for the fact that I understand myself when there is a pad or keyboard in front of me. When I am driven to write it isn't over petty thoughts or desires. It seems to be more of a stress relief or my soul yearning to make its presence known. I don't regret what I write for the most part, because I always allow my writing to sleep and give myself a chance to look with fresh eyes. This process could be as little as a day or as long as several years. Sometimes I look at what I've written and think, 'Wow, did I write that?' Or, ' Wow, I really wrote that?' It's a way to free my mind and allow myself to be me.

I've been journaling more as of late and I can feel my life righting it's self without any attempt on my part. I've always been told to write what I know and what does any single being know better than themselves? Is it any wonder why the true artists infringe upon their own life while creating? Introspection is a powerful tool that too few people use. I've learned what is private and what is otherwise unclassified and can be shared. I journal my feelings and write my thoughts. At times they seem to overlap or become so muddled with each other that you can't see one from the other. I love this fact of life. We are who we are, nothing more nothing less.

I have kept my emotions inside and allowed them to sit forgotten until they have spoiled and this does no one any good. I write my feelings and express myself in my own light. When writing I fear no backlash or retribution because I know I've thought it out to the fullest and if it offends people then it is meant to offend those people. I'm not saying that I don't speak my feelings and emotions to those close to me, I'm saying it's easier to understand the fibers of my being in written form. I can grasp the name of my subconscious self and reflect on what I hear when I write. When I speak, I can hardly make my thoughts legible for my mind to grasp so how can anyone around me understand what I'm saying.

The more I allow myself to be the more I am. If this makes sense? Life is on its own path divined by God or your creator and all you can do is follow and allow it to go. At the same time, you can tilt it into a certain direction but you can't force it. With time, the tilt becomes the direction and you end up where you need. While forcing it will only cause you grief and frustration. It's been said I have an old soul, or a heavy soul, either way I just believe that my introspection has caused me to want something different from the norm. Alternatively, it could be that what I've found in myself is different then what most have found in themselves. By this, I mean that my soul is mine and it goes where I want it to go and where it should go. I prefer the idea of a Utopia to a Capitalist structure but I live in the world I live in and I make do with what I can. I love the deeper side of things for the pure fact those that follow that path show proof of a struggle.

When it's natural, it's wonderful. However, I often come across people that try to be introspective and cognizant of the deeper understanding prove nothing but the lack of desire to understand. In no way am I one of the great thinkers yet I try to gain a deeper understanding out of everything I come across on a daily basis. In doing this I learn to coexist with the world beyond my door. Life is an adventure and it shouldn't be faked. When I write it seems like my worldly form disappears and my soul speaks to me via letters on a page. It seems as if my internal self allows me to see what I really think. Strange yes, complicated to understand and/or explain, you had better believe it.

When I write it's like I'm on a long drive and once I reach my destination I don't remember any of the road. I take over for myself and lead the way. It's a beautifully odd thing and it works perfectly for me. I have also come to find that I write through painting. Yet again, my inner self steps in and puts my feelings/emotions on canvas. When it doesn't my painting is lack luster to say the best. Not only the quality of the painting but the overall experience.

Life seems to have its own way of working and you can either accept that and help guide it or you can get dragged behind kicking, bitching and screaming. I'm trying to gain a deeper understanding of the world and I hope to be the first and not the latter. Writing is my addiction and my safe place wrapped in one. It's water for my soul and a pillow for my head yet it's my downfall to complete understanding. It's a lesson in learning, patience, and understanding. It's a long arduous road yet it's a blessing to be on.

Winston!!

We took a road trip up through the TX panhandle to meet our new puppy today. We were so excited the whole way there. We had Winston picked out for a boy's name and Juliet picked out for a girl's name. Conversation on road trips in the Deaver car is always great! We rarely turn the radio up past the lowest level, because our chatting is better than any music on! (we have XM radio too, so I am sure there is good stuff on there!) Josh would periodically "scratch" the ears of his (for now) imaginary dog and say, "You's a good boy!" LOL This puppy is going to be spoiled!

Conversation is never interrupted due to scenery. If you have never been around Amarillo and its surroundings, you aren't missing much! My mom did remind me today that we have beautiful sunrises and sunsets! TRUE! Thanks, Mom, for finding the beauty in our home!

Taking the road down to the owner's home...we ran into what we call Winston's step-brothers. On the country road, they were just a few feet from the car! Josh tried to get me to get out to take the picture, but I refused and shot the pic out the window! YIKES! I am such a city girl!


After spending a little while with the 5 pups in the litter, we had it narrowed down to three. "How will we ever decide?" I asked. Scarlett, the owner, had great information for us! She is very knowledgeable about the breed! What a sweet lady. We could have stayed all day and played with the pups! There was the runt with only one black spot over one eye. There was the playful girl that carried the toys around and the dough belly girl that was "the hunter!" She was curious! AND...Winston, of course, the only brother in the group. He liked Josh's lap as we sat in the middle of the living room with puppies everywhere! Juliet (yes, we named another one while we were there) was SO VERY CUTE! I could not decide.


An hour later, we were taking pictures of Winston before we left. I mentioned to Josh at one point that he had to hand him back over...then I held him and he had to remind ME that we had to give him back for now! Winston will soon come home and be part of the Deavi! We cannot wait! Love him already!

Creative Outlet

I've decided I need to find a creative outlet. I love to paint but the oil paint makes the house smell. It makes my wife sick and after awhile, I must admit, it makes my stomach ill as well. Writing well, I like to write but sitting down and writing from my imagination never turns out like I want it too. It's a difficult task to create your own world and get the proper emotion into your characters. I need to go back to nonfiction writing I think. It's fact based on your research, yet that too is overwhelming at times. My point of view or new idea is hard to make credible with all the PhD's floating around writing about what is. I thought about hunting too. This idea I like but it's expensive and my wife isn't fond of the idea of guns in the house. I'm not comfortable with guns either yet I'd like to learn. The problem is you have to spend tons of money up front just to find out if you even like it. I've always wanted to learn the art of welding. You can do art and projects with it, but we'll see.

I just feel like I'm floating in constant hiatus waiting for something to happen. Why not make it happen. Become me and do things I like while becoming a more proactive positive person. Sounds like a reasonable plan. So away we go.

First proactive/positive thing I plan on doing is going to get my teaching certificate. I need to stay after the Post Bacc guy to get me some information and to get me enrolled. So away we go.

Day of struggle

Well today was, it was bad. Not only is the weather getting cold and making my ankle swell up like an old man but internally I was just not with it today. I don't think it was just today either. It seems as if this has been sneaking up on me for awhile now. But today if culminated into a full blown internal soul crushing melt down. It was rough but after a little bit of news it got better. Not that anything was really wrong. I think I just don't care for myself...parts at least. I decided to take Hill's advice and not to fret and worry over the things that I cannot control. AND I decided that I need to be a more positive person in all things. Instead of looking at obstacles as a set back I need to look at them as something to overcome and to learn from. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Well I hope so because I'm balls to the wall and nothings going to slow me down.

Not only that but the future is looking bright. For the first time in my life I have a goal that I've made for myself and not set by someone else. I know, pathetic huh?! Well I'm proud to say it's mine and I'll accomplish it and I can't wait to see what that feels like.

Good days

So I turned in my application for the PACE program. I'm pumped. I know there is a lot left to do on this road I'm traveling but hey, it's worth it. I still have a test to take and some interviews and some in class work and some observation to do but I am definitely ready. So the long haul begins and I'm sitting in the drivers seat for the first time in a long time. Up up and away my friends.

It was nice getting to hangout and talk with my cousin Emily today as well. I always enjoy getting to hang with my fam.

Well, time to do the online interview.

Keep up the PACE

So this year has begun very well so far. I've completed the application for the PACE program and I am turning it in tomorrow. I hope to hear back soon with my acceptance. Once that begins our 'brighter future' will start. I can't wait for it to start. I'm in the process of setting up my new mini with Office and whatnot, as soon as it's all set I'll be posting my stories and other creatively artistic works posted on here. It will everything you could hope for...so please come back...if you're here at all.

New Years Resolution

So being the new year it's time for a serious revolution of the resolution. There are several things to stop/change/start and I know that I can't do them all at once. So lets do some baby stepping.

1.) Write every day...on here and on my mini.
2.) Stop smoking...I want to live longer so I can monopolies my wife's time.
3.) Become more active...physically and within the community.

That is what I'm shooting for this year. It won't be easy but it needs to be done. I didn't want to even sit down for the five minutes it would take to type this out. Strange things happen and when I booted up the computer for some reason the feel of the keys under my finger tips just felt right. It's a comforting feeling sitting here rubbing the keys on the keyboard. It's strange but it feels...right/pleasing/comforting? All of the above. Hmmm?

2010

So another year is upon us and my resolution is simple...just write everyday. Oh and stop smoking and change the things I don't like about myself. Easy right? Well it will be baby steps but I'm sure I can do it.

Stay tuned and see what I actually write.

Another day

So Friday has begun well. I had some blood work done and now I'm sitting at my favorite coffee shop in all the world, Marshall Coffee! All the world might be stretching it a little seeing how I've only been to the US, Canada, and Mexico. But hey, I dig it.

I'm not looking forward to work but I've gotta pay the bills. So to the cube I shall go and dwell away the day. I'm still looking for other means of employment. I've even thought with my degree I could join the Navy or Air Force. But alas, I have no desire to live by their strict laws and there is no need to put my wife through all that shit!

The masters program at UNT sounds good but I'm iffy as to what I'd do with it. It seems as if all my interests stray from the path of wealth and simplicity. Screw it, I just need some hobbies and an effort to put forth and it will all work out. I'm ready to go see Dr Syn next month and figure out how to right this ship. I'm sure that will help solve a few issues.

Until I write and you read again, peace be with you. And everyone take a moment out of your day to say a little prayer for those lost on 9/11! And for those over seas fighting for their memories and for our freedoms!

Ever feel like the puppy in the window

Well I'm back and the wine festival was wonderful. It had some kinks and curves thrown in but all around it was good. We found a wonderful pizza joint that I wish we had here. I actually remember all of the events that took place this weekend...good or bad unfortunately. But good times were had and vino flowed like well, wine/water take your pick. I got to meet a cousin and it was nice to meet her. She seemed like a very nice lady. Maybe we can hangout with her more soon.

Now we're back in work and it's wonderful or some such nonsense. And life goes on and we return to that oh so loving rut of work and living for the evenings and weekends. As ole blue eyes said, 'That's life' and so it is.

I can't wait to go back and see my friend Dr Syn, the man that helped to change my life. I'm hoping to get my act back together and progress through life some more. For the last few months I've been feeling light headed and having all sorts of issues. I believe that my system is out of whack with the way it should be. I think I've actually malnourished myself and this crumby diet that I have partaken in has really interfered with my day to day operations of how I should be. It's the ravings of a mad man. I know not for certain of that which I speak but I speak nonetheless.

I have felt like I'm floating outside looking in on myself. I am lethargic and stuck in that mindset. I have enough energy to stay upright and do my job but when I get home I don't do anything. I know it sounds lazy but here as of late I've taken it to a different level. I'm kind of scared...don't tell anyone. That's why I'm getting blood work tomorrow and going back to see my Dr in Lubbock. I really do think this will sort my issues out. I make it sound worse than it is. It's not all that bad, I'm just not the same person this way. I feel like I'm standing behind glass watching...hence the title of this raving.

I've actually got a solid story playing out in my mind for my manuscript...TO BE CONTINUED.

Opportunities

In life you are aforded only so many opportunities before they stop. Thanks to a good man and friend they are still here. I really hope this new opportunity comes through. It would be a perfect fit.

I've got my fingers crossed!

New Mexico Wine Fest...The Past

So it's almost Labor Day once again and that means it's time for the New Mexico Wine Festival. This will be our fourth year to attend. If you like wine and mixing it with a good time...friends, strangers and all sorts of other oddities...this is the place for you. It's a party in a park and I look forward to it every year.

There are so many stories from our past three trips and I'm looking forward to new stories from this year. When I have more time I'll write up some of these stories so stay tuned. We have been talking about it all week and we still have a week to wait. So I think this week I will tell some of the better stories.

Technology and it's effects.

Today I was looking at Amazon, and twitter, and Publishers Weekly and there is a lot of chatter out there about the Kindle. This world we live in moves so fast and you either jump on and hold on or just let it pass at it's own pace. I'm trying to transition and jump and hold but part of me just says screw it. So much is gained by technology yet how much is lost in the fray?

I can't help but think what wide spread usage of the Kindle will do to the book industry and reading in general. I'm a self proclaimed Bibliophile and my wife will attest that every week I'm bringing to books home. Some I won't ever read but they seem like something that would interest me. Some I'll read parts of and get bored with them, others I'll simply tear through as if they are a present under the tree on Christmas Eve. But every single book I have, will have and will never have are just friends that I will meet along my life cycle.

It puzzles me, the thought of curling up on the couch, in bed, or in a chair and reading a book on a flat screen hand held computer. It's so impersonal and uninviting. It seems to me that the imagination would suffer and the enjoyment would turn more towards torture than pleasure. Where are the pages that brown and yellow with age? Where is the scent of paper and ink and binding glue that creates that magical concoction of a book? Walking into a book store would equate to walking into a averagely white hospital waiting room with nothing but the smell of Ammonia to tide you over.

What happens to book stores in general? Will there be a need for bookshelves any longer or will it all be online downloadable content that further removes humanity away from the act of being human? Not only book stores but what happens to writers when there is no more scanning the isles for that next great read. The excitement of searching through a mountain of books for your next thrill ride or emotional release will be extinct. I fear that unless your a known entity within the writing world you will be lost in the wake of the technological marvels that will propagate and proliferate humanity.

Think about it. When you go to a book store you might already know what book you're looking for...especially if you fall into the Oprah book club cult (another rant for another raving)...but along the way you meet and greet new friends on the shelf or best seller tables. Hell, you might even adopt one and take it home with you even though you planned on buying just the one book. But when you go to Amazon or some other online book source you go straight for the kill and buy that one book and you might...MIGHT...checkout the 'other people that bought this book are interested in these as well' link that will lead you to a book you might come back for if you remember. But other people that bought said book won't really look at other books either so your source for the new up and comer is limited to the coding within the website.

Now to the 'meat and potatoes' of this raving! If you go to Amazon, or any of the thousands of sites that will surely poke their surly heads up in the future, to download a Kindle book, which I believe you'll probably be able to just down load from a list on Kindle, you don't even look. For all the aggression the populace has shown for rights and freedoms this seems to me like others have decided how to take the freedom and God given right of free will out of the mix. I assume they believe that everyone is far less complex then themselves and that the more simple and streamlined the process the easier we as humans will enjoy the process. I'm not a primate, I have free will and an intellect that allows me to gain excitement through knowledge and the hunt for a good if not great book. I digress! So you download a 'book' from Kindle and you will NEVER take the time to see what's new out there. You will follow blindly over the cliff like other lemmings that took the leap into the known. I believe that this will ruin the writing world and the market in it's entirety.

I guess nothing is free and with new technologies we give up 'small' things that others deem are no longer important. I love technology and I don't know where I'd be without it but there are certain things I don't want. I see the Graphic Novel soon to be movie Surrogates becoming real life. Why get your hands dirty and struggle with the challenge when you can sit back and let technology do the work? I won't own a Kindle and if I ever get published I hope to never put a book on Kindle. That being said if it comes down to my principles or my family and I surviving I'll sell out in a heart beat. So what I'm saying is let's stop this computer 'book' thing before it gets started. I don't want to be put in that situation and I don't want to lose the escape a book store and a great book brings to my life.

If you haven't noticed readers are seen as standoffish and aloof at times. We're not, we are just addicted to reading and the knowledge and escapism that pour forth as we devour books. Also, this is something that I'm passionate about but something I'm torn about as well. I hope to one day be nothing more than a writer, take that whichever way you will, and I want to be able to support my wife, kids if we have any, and all family by writing. I'd love to be the next JK Rowling or Vince Flynn or Robert Ludlum or Lee Childs and write for a living, but if the market switches to computer 'books' then it leaves me little choice...hop on or get run over...and I just hope it doesn't come to that. I just hope I can write good paper bound books that release the scent of the Gods every time you flip open the cover or turn the pages.

A blah day...

I don't know what it was today but it was just so...MEH. Nothing special happened, good or bad, it was just a strange day. Oh well I guess we all have them. My problem is my mind works over time, without any real assistance from yours truly, and it's nonstop. I don't know how else to explain it. It picks apart all plans, dreams, and ideas. It finds the worst in every situation and tries to encompass all possible solutions. Yet it wears me out no matter what the outcome.

On a brighter side of things I did dig into my Masters program application package. I forgot I had it so I went through it today and there are many great options for me to look forward to. So that was extremely nice to take my mind off of...well everything. I'm sure with this Masters under my belt in a couple of years my professional value will soar. I just have to focus and plan on missing out on a few choice things over the next two years or so.

I went to my parents tonight while my wife was in class. She works so hard it makes me tired. All go and no stop...I can tell she's found her passion in photography. It was great to see my mom tonight, I haven't seen her in about a week. I'm a mamas boy so that was quite a while for me. My dad is just melting away before our eyes. He's looking good, a little stiff still but doing well. I can't wait until he goes to get some new clothes in a few months. That will be good times all around. We can have a good laugh and he will amaze himself.

Off to bed for some reading. The way my mind is still churning I might blog again later, I might not so we'll see how the 'sleeping' thing goes.

Good news

Well a week full of Monday's has brought me to some good news. Last week a position in our department became available and it's something I feel like I could do well. I applied for it even though I don't quite meet the requirements. I would like to move up in the company but I'm not looking to stay forever. This would be a great chance for me to gain experience and have a job that meshes with my Masters that I will be getting.

That being said today I was pulled aside this afternoon and was told that even through all the drama of last week I handled myself professionally and took responsibility for my mistakes and fixed said mistakes. This position has had many applicants but my name is on the list and I do have a good working relationship with my company and boss so I'm hoping my name will be placed higher on the list. There were no promises made or any wink wink nudge nudge type actions. He was just letting me know that I would be good for the job. And you know what, it's kind of nice to know every once in awhile that your actions are being noticed even though you have to suffer through hoping for change.

Strange but hey it's how I roll as they say. So I'm hopeful that I can get this position for several reasons: experience in a field I hope to move up in, it will allow me to have a job and get my masters that goes with the job, and it will help my wife and I have an all around better life.

So I got that going for me...which is niiiice!