Inner Author

I've come to understand that I can write better than I speak. I've heard that it's due to not having to look into anyone's face, or that you have spell check, etc. Yet I know this isn't the case. It's easier for me to write for the fact that I understand myself when there is a pad or keyboard in front of me. When I am driven to write it isn't over petty thoughts or desires. It seems to be more of a stress relief or my soul yearning to make its presence known. I don't regret what I write for the most part, because I always allow my writing to sleep and give myself a chance to look with fresh eyes. This process could be as little as a day or as long as several years. Sometimes I look at what I've written and think, 'Wow, did I write that?' Or, ' Wow, I really wrote that?' It's a way to free my mind and allow myself to be me.

I've been journaling more as of late and I can feel my life righting it's self without any attempt on my part. I've always been told to write what I know and what does any single being know better than themselves? Is it any wonder why the true artists infringe upon their own life while creating? Introspection is a powerful tool that too few people use. I've learned what is private and what is otherwise unclassified and can be shared. I journal my feelings and write my thoughts. At times they seem to overlap or become so muddled with each other that you can't see one from the other. I love this fact of life. We are who we are, nothing more nothing less.

I have kept my emotions inside and allowed them to sit forgotten until they have spoiled and this does no one any good. I write my feelings and express myself in my own light. When writing I fear no backlash or retribution because I know I've thought it out to the fullest and if it offends people then it is meant to offend those people. I'm not saying that I don't speak my feelings and emotions to those close to me, I'm saying it's easier to understand the fibers of my being in written form. I can grasp the name of my subconscious self and reflect on what I hear when I write. When I speak, I can hardly make my thoughts legible for my mind to grasp so how can anyone around me understand what I'm saying.

The more I allow myself to be the more I am. If this makes sense? Life is on its own path divined by God or your creator and all you can do is follow and allow it to go. At the same time, you can tilt it into a certain direction but you can't force it. With time, the tilt becomes the direction and you end up where you need. While forcing it will only cause you grief and frustration. It's been said I have an old soul, or a heavy soul, either way I just believe that my introspection has caused me to want something different from the norm. Alternatively, it could be that what I've found in myself is different then what most have found in themselves. By this, I mean that my soul is mine and it goes where I want it to go and where it should go. I prefer the idea of a Utopia to a Capitalist structure but I live in the world I live in and I make do with what I can. I love the deeper side of things for the pure fact those that follow that path show proof of a struggle.

When it's natural, it's wonderful. However, I often come across people that try to be introspective and cognizant of the deeper understanding prove nothing but the lack of desire to understand. In no way am I one of the great thinkers yet I try to gain a deeper understanding out of everything I come across on a daily basis. In doing this I learn to coexist with the world beyond my door. Life is an adventure and it shouldn't be faked. When I write it seems like my worldly form disappears and my soul speaks to me via letters on a page. It seems as if my internal self allows me to see what I really think. Strange yes, complicated to understand and/or explain, you had better believe it.

When I write it's like I'm on a long drive and once I reach my destination I don't remember any of the road. I take over for myself and lead the way. It's a beautifully odd thing and it works perfectly for me. I have also come to find that I write through painting. Yet again, my inner self steps in and puts my feelings/emotions on canvas. When it doesn't my painting is lack luster to say the best. Not only the quality of the painting but the overall experience.

Life seems to have its own way of working and you can either accept that and help guide it or you can get dragged behind kicking, bitching and screaming. I'm trying to gain a deeper understanding of the world and I hope to be the first and not the latter. Writing is my addiction and my safe place wrapped in one. It's water for my soul and a pillow for my head yet it's my downfall to complete understanding. It's a lesson in learning, patience, and understanding. It's a long arduous road yet it's a blessing to be on.