Oh the joys of work!
Here I sit and act awake,
unconsciousness looms.
Yet I'm to lazy,
it would seem, to make the change.
I must look for more.
There must be something?
Pontificate from the cube,
there is something more!
Teaching and writing,
or sinking in this labyrinth,
I choose to progress.
Yet the dread that spawns,
is realized every day,
by talking half walls.
The silt covered dream,
washes away hope from those,
that dwell where cubes stand.
Thursday, May 28, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Still Here
It's been a while since I've been on here. I'm guessing I wasn't missed...my 'fan base' being what it isn't and whatnot. I'm lazy by nature and my memory isn't great. I'm getting old!
I found that out this past weekend. I was awake and drunk/hungover for about 36 hours and I'm still dealing with the whole staying awake thing. Work is nothing more than a bother yet I continue to show up. Now mix in the fact that I'm sleep deprived and my liver hurts and now you have one angry chubby kid sitting in a cube entering data. Good times...Good times.
So since no get rich quick schemes have worked, not that I've actually tried any but the lotto, I've decided to go back and get my teaching certificate. I want to use my degree and data entry wasn't cutting it. I'm actually excited about something so I'm sure it will go well. Wish me luck in this.
Well seeing how I'm supposed to be working I'm off to my cube to nap!
I found that out this past weekend. I was awake and drunk/hungover for about 36 hours and I'm still dealing with the whole staying awake thing. Work is nothing more than a bother yet I continue to show up. Now mix in the fact that I'm sleep deprived and my liver hurts and now you have one angry chubby kid sitting in a cube entering data. Good times...Good times.
So since no get rich quick schemes have worked, not that I've actually tried any but the lotto, I've decided to go back and get my teaching certificate. I want to use my degree and data entry wasn't cutting it. I'm actually excited about something so I'm sure it will go well. Wish me luck in this.
Well seeing how I'm supposed to be working I'm off to my cube to nap!
Monday, May 18, 2009
In General
It still amazes me that I am where I am. If you would have asked me ten years ago, "Where do you see yourself in a decade" my answer would not have been what I'm living. It's amazing really that so many bad things can happen in one life, and it can cause you to become a quasi evil soul. But with realization and an understanding of love the world can truly turn around. Sure, I complain a lot about my job, town, and life in general but when I look back over my shoulder at the road I have walked it amazes me that I'm breathing and loving and laughing here today.
I know it was in me to become 'me' again but I can't help but think that if my parents, sister and her family, and my wonderful wife wouldn't have stuck in there with me I don't think I would have reached this level of normalcy. I am actually to the point now where I want to reconnect with my friends that I have lost touch with. I never thought I would crave a relationship with anyone much less the above mentioned people and getting a chance to hangout with my best friend and his family last month really reawakened my desire to live it to the fullest.
If you've never seen or been to some dark places you might not understand. I want to live/laugh/love with all those that I care about. I'm grateful that my life has turned into baby steps of happiness. I don't say it a lot but thank you and I love you...y'all know who you are. I hope to rediscover my faith soon...maybe that's my next step?!
I know that the future will hold adventures, I seek more then I should but some will happen and others that are unexpected will happen as well. I guess what I'm saying is I want to travel, start businesses, move to amazing locations, become one with the world and along the way write some. No matter where life takes you, it gets better...trust me. If I don't make a lot of sense just nod your head and chuckle and maybe one day I'll write in a cohesive form...become a little ocd and do it right.
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I know it was in me to become 'me' again but I can't help but think that if my parents, sister and her family, and my wonderful wife wouldn't have stuck in there with me I don't think I would have reached this level of normalcy. I am actually to the point now where I want to reconnect with my friends that I have lost touch with. I never thought I would crave a relationship with anyone much less the above mentioned people and getting a chance to hangout with my best friend and his family last month really reawakened my desire to live it to the fullest.
If you've never seen or been to some dark places you might not understand. I want to live/laugh/love with all those that I care about. I'm grateful that my life has turned into baby steps of happiness. I don't say it a lot but thank you and I love you...y'all know who you are. I hope to rediscover my faith soon...maybe that's my next step?!
I know that the future will hold adventures, I seek more then I should but some will happen and others that are unexpected will happen as well. I guess what I'm saying is I want to travel, start businesses, move to amazing locations, become one with the world and along the way write some. No matter where life takes you, it gets better...trust me. If I don't make a lot of sense just nod your head and chuckle and maybe one day I'll write in a cohesive form...become a little ocd and do it right.
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Redeeming the Changes
So I've had a Gastric Bypass, the Roux-en-Y, and now I feel as if I'm wasting it. I'm to comfortable and I've grown lazy and somewhat lethargic. I feel like a Mike Vick...I've been given a gift and I'm pissing it away. I'm doing this for no other reason then I'm lazy. Now it's getting to the point to where I'm worried.
I miss my competitive athletic side. I need this back in my life...in a bad way. I know this will calm the Hurricane that is my mind and thought process. I know how I am and the only way I'll ever get this back is if I make it my life...not just an idea but a lifestyle.
I not only need it for my minds sake but for my life's sake. I refuse to have kids in a house of lethargy and total inactivity brought on by me. I want to redeem the gift I was given and I know it's not to late. If I can smoke and dip for the amount of years that I did and quit without true issue I know I can workout and do something that I love. For crying out loud some of the best times in my life were in a weight room.
My goals may seem self serving; I want to look good in some Under Armour, I want to run a marathon, and I want to try a triathlon. But my real goal is due to the fact that I met my best friend and soul mate and I want to spend all the time with her I can!! Plus she deserves a good looking fellow and a healthy family. Sure there are other goals but they are mine, and mine alone.
So now the choice must be made, and it will. I know I'll need help and I must remain focused. Trust me I have too...not a choice really. The success of me as a man depends upon this. Believe in me, watch me and follow me and it will be doable!
I miss my competitive athletic side. I need this back in my life...in a bad way. I know this will calm the Hurricane that is my mind and thought process. I know how I am and the only way I'll ever get this back is if I make it my life...not just an idea but a lifestyle.
I not only need it for my minds sake but for my life's sake. I refuse to have kids in a house of lethargy and total inactivity brought on by me. I want to redeem the gift I was given and I know it's not to late. If I can smoke and dip for the amount of years that I did and quit without true issue I know I can workout and do something that I love. For crying out loud some of the best times in my life were in a weight room.
My goals may seem self serving; I want to look good in some Under Armour, I want to run a marathon, and I want to try a triathlon. But my real goal is due to the fact that I met my best friend and soul mate and I want to spend all the time with her I can!! Plus she deserves a good looking fellow and a healthy family. Sure there are other goals but they are mine, and mine alone.
So now the choice must be made, and it will. I know I'll need help and I must remain focused. Trust me I have too...not a choice really. The success of me as a man depends upon this. Believe in me, watch me and follow me and it will be doable!
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
From within
This life will lead you in circles and swallow you in undertones if you allow it too. It always amazes me how one minute you're up and the next minute you're worse for wear. I'm assuming I'm not the only one that feels this way?
I believe that the majority of my issues stem from a mind that never slows down; one that rarely if ever gives me a break to sit in silence. Sure I'm a dreamer but I'm a worrier too, or should I say more so. Small things hang in my mind like cobwebs that you can't see, nor can find them. The big issues seem to bother me less. I still worry more than the usual person but the small things send me into overdrive. I also thrive on self doubt and indecision! I wish I could grow out of this but I think it will take a valiant effort on my part and help from my wife.
She has already done so much for me that I can't ever thank her enough. Even though myself confidence/esteem remains lower then normal she has allowed it to blossom from the nothingness it once was into what it shall become! Amazing really. It taxes me that she worries more about me then herself. I'm not used to a non family members caring for me. It's the unconditional love that most will only read about in fairy tales. In this I know I'm blessed.
I'm trying to remember that writing clears my mind and soul. It's hard to remember that in life sometimes. Jobs, plans, problems all get in the way of what is and what should be. That my friends is why this blog was created. Feel free to comment...good bad and ugly...I need it, I want it, I thrive off of it. Baby steps to self worth...baby steps to rebuffing self doubt.
One day maybe I can write for a living and put this thesis to the test. Will writing hold up or will...self doubt rearing the head that must be loped off. One day soon I will write and I will seek adventures with my wonderful wife!
Humans are the proverbial work in progress...are we not?
I believe that the majority of my issues stem from a mind that never slows down; one that rarely if ever gives me a break to sit in silence. Sure I'm a dreamer but I'm a worrier too, or should I say more so. Small things hang in my mind like cobwebs that you can't see, nor can find them. The big issues seem to bother me less. I still worry more than the usual person but the small things send me into overdrive. I also thrive on self doubt and indecision! I wish I could grow out of this but I think it will take a valiant effort on my part and help from my wife.
She has already done so much for me that I can't ever thank her enough. Even though myself confidence/esteem remains lower then normal she has allowed it to blossom from the nothingness it once was into what it shall become! Amazing really. It taxes me that she worries more about me then herself. I'm not used to a non family members caring for me. It's the unconditional love that most will only read about in fairy tales. In this I know I'm blessed.
I'm trying to remember that writing clears my mind and soul. It's hard to remember that in life sometimes. Jobs, plans, problems all get in the way of what is and what should be. That my friends is why this blog was created. Feel free to comment...good bad and ugly...I need it, I want it, I thrive off of it. Baby steps to self worth...baby steps to rebuffing self doubt.
One day maybe I can write for a living and put this thesis to the test. Will writing hold up or will...self doubt rearing the head that must be loped off. One day soon I will write and I will seek adventures with my wonderful wife!
Humans are the proverbial work in progress...are we not?
Monday, May 11, 2009
Culturally Deficient
I can't help but think how deprived the people of Amarillo are for anything Cultural. Everyday I walk through the Sunset Art Gallery and wish there were more places like this. Sure we have, The 806...I've shamefully never been, and maybe a few other joints around this town. The majority are for the elitist money mongers that run the town, Symphony, ALT, Ballet etc. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy all of those places as much as the next person, but these 'artistic' places in Amarillo have become trendy.
I don't enjoy the knowledge that these artsy places are nothing more than status symbols. They have become places to be seen and not places to SEE! Amarillo is a major cross roads in America yet we have very little Art. Why is that? I know of some classic pieces of art that are owned either by private estates or corporations and even some schools in the area, but they are worth so much money that the privatization of said pieces is paramount to their security. By doing this all cultural value is lost and that a disgrace to be spoken at length about some other time. I'd like to think if we could afford great works of art we could also share them with the public through viewings or putting them on loan to organizations. Maybe I'm foolish to think this, time will tell.
The worst part about this immigration into an artistically defunct black hole is that the few breaths of an above ground art scene keep getting slaughtered in their cribs by organizations that like to rebel, ie REPENT, against art! These spiritual warriors kill hopes a dreams with their overblown egos and opinions. It is a God given right as well as a Constitutional Right which allows them to condemn the world as they see fit.
Opinions are free, everybody grab one. It's heart breaking to know that the only people speaking up and using these rights are the Crusaders of black and white, the book burners and the middle school chaperone's of my opinions. Sure the arts are basically used by the more liberally minded. And yes there are people with all sorts of alternative life styles that partake in the arts. But your belief structure is invading my ability to be my own person. If we stay here I fear I will be in the mix for change and a battle will ensue.
Where have the Che's/Robin Hood's/William Wallace's/Pancho Villa's all gone. Oh that's right...they are being PC and hiding away in the basements and closets...or have the been silenced via class action suit...
'Their hearts are made of hell'
I don't enjoy the knowledge that these artsy places are nothing more than status symbols. They have become places to be seen and not places to SEE! Amarillo is a major cross roads in America yet we have very little Art. Why is that? I know of some classic pieces of art that are owned either by private estates or corporations and even some schools in the area, but they are worth so much money that the privatization of said pieces is paramount to their security. By doing this all cultural value is lost and that a disgrace to be spoken at length about some other time. I'd like to think if we could afford great works of art we could also share them with the public through viewings or putting them on loan to organizations. Maybe I'm foolish to think this, time will tell.
The worst part about this immigration into an artistically defunct black hole is that the few breaths of an above ground art scene keep getting slaughtered in their cribs by organizations that like to rebel, ie REPENT, against art! These spiritual warriors kill hopes a dreams with their overblown egos and opinions. It is a God given right as well as a Constitutional Right which allows them to condemn the world as they see fit.
Opinions are free, everybody grab one. It's heart breaking to know that the only people speaking up and using these rights are the Crusaders of black and white, the book burners and the middle school chaperone's of my opinions. Sure the arts are basically used by the more liberally minded. And yes there are people with all sorts of alternative life styles that partake in the arts. But your belief structure is invading my ability to be my own person. If we stay here I fear I will be in the mix for change and a battle will ensue.
Where have the Che's/Robin Hood's/William Wallace's/Pancho Villa's all gone. Oh that's right...they are being PC and hiding away in the basements and closets...or have the been silenced via class action suit...
'Their hearts are made of hell'
Friday, May 8, 2009
Death of Artistic Desire
I'm not sure what my problem is but this past year has been the downfall of my artistic life. I used to write a lot and paint and draw. Now nothing. I have half finished projects flooding my mind and personal space. I have no real idea what has happened.
I'm going to guess that I've completely lost my artistic side or this job is sucking my soul out or I have become addicted to XBOX 360. I know that my passion for the arts hasn't died, and it won't! So let's just say it would be even money on a mixture of the last two ideas. This job and my xbox...I've placed inhibits upon myself.
I'm going to guess that I've completely lost my artistic side or this job is sucking my soul out or I have become addicted to XBOX 360. I know that my passion for the arts hasn't died, and it won't! So let's just say it would be even money on a mixture of the last two ideas. This job and my xbox...I've placed inhibits upon myself.
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Understanding
I'm starting to dip my toes in the water of realization and it's amazing. My eyes have opened to the fact that a professional life is not necessarily having one job! I always thought to be successful you must find a job and progress through the ladder system of the corporation.
I was wrong, think about it. How many of the overly 'successful' people have just one job. Sure you have CEO's and CFO's of major companies yet they are intrapreneurial for their companies, as well as entrepreneurial in their private lives. The strangest thing is that all these entrepreneurs are happy with their work because it can shift with their hearts desire.
I can't believe it took someone like me this long to realize. I'm a modern American ADD stereotype. Why just one job with a boss when you can have several of your own, that you will have the potential to love; after all they are your darlings made from you. Yes, it will be hard work. A-Team can attest to that, but nonetheless it's yours!
The world is your oyster and all that. I know, you don't believe me. That's fine. Truly how often does the sky not fall and second chances given. Sit back and watch how it's done, you'll see. Wow first time in a long time!!
I sit here below as the waves of realization wash over my smiling heart. It feels as if my past is now serving its purpose. The Wanderlust continues to grow within, but the point contention and strife can now be defined.
Latitudes,Attitudes and whatnot.
I was wrong, think about it. How many of the overly 'successful' people have just one job. Sure you have CEO's and CFO's of major companies yet they are intrapreneurial for their companies, as well as entrepreneurial in their private lives. The strangest thing is that all these entrepreneurs are happy with their work because it can shift with their hearts desire.
I can't believe it took someone like me this long to realize. I'm a modern American ADD stereotype. Why just one job with a boss when you can have several of your own, that you will have the potential to love; after all they are your darlings made from you. Yes, it will be hard work. A-Team can attest to that, but nonetheless it's yours!
The world is your oyster and all that. I know, you don't believe me. That's fine. Truly how often does the sky not fall and second chances given. Sit back and watch how it's done, you'll see. Wow first time in a long time!!
I sit here below as the waves of realization wash over my smiling heart. It feels as if my past is now serving its purpose. The Wanderlust continues to grow within, but the point contention and strife can now be defined.
Latitudes,Attitudes and whatnot.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Dreams, Travel, Thoughts
I sit here and think, almost daily how I wish things could be. Compared to most I know that I have little to complain about. I have a beautiful wife that always listens to my rants and ravings and shows me love at every turn. A family structure that is wonderful and love that is unending, yet somethings missing!
I dream to live life to the fullest yet I'm scared of taking that step. I worry constantly that I will fail and be a disappointment again.I wish I knew how to regain my self confidence of old and lead my life in the proper direction and stop relying on others to 'show me the way'.
This life is not what I thought it would be while growing up. What's happened to the travel and writing I had planned? When did my dreams of the future become something to mock and bypass? I would like to move but there is no real reason. I know if we ever move it will be due to my incessant bitching. I don't want to feel like I'm forcing my wife to move because like I said, there is no real reason to move. Just a dream!
The dream that always comes back to me is saving money and selling the surplus of garbage that has been collected and stored in the garage/closet etc and getting passports and going to teach English overseas for a year or a life time. Travel writing/blogging and travel photos by the best photographer ever. Could it be any better? Time will tell I guess. I've got the travel bug and am in dire need of change and culture!
I keep thinking, 'you know what, maybe I should just got do the post-bac and become a teacher too. That way we can get paid and still have travel time every year.' It's a thought that continues to reoccur over and over in my head. I know I say a lot of things and cancel them out and return to them but I can't get come to a decision. I'm working on that as well. I need to pick a path and run with it until the end. I do love the idea of traveling with my wife...me a teacher? Stranger things and all that.
I think I've been freaking out a lot lately due to nicotine withdraw and a desire for something different. I have trouble sitting one place doing one thing for too long. I don't believe that moving will solve this feeling of disquiet, but there is a desire within my soul that is begging to see something different. That is my problem, if you will call that a problem.
This rut that we live in is getting to me a little. I know a little rut'ness is a good thing but that being said I want to see the world and experience things that people like me, and maybe you too, don't ever see. You know,the stuff we only read or hear about or see on the travel channel. That's what I want to do.
Maybe Jimmy's right 'my occupations just not around'. Time will tell and I'm working on it.
I dream to live life to the fullest yet I'm scared of taking that step. I worry constantly that I will fail and be a disappointment again.I wish I knew how to regain my self confidence of old and lead my life in the proper direction and stop relying on others to 'show me the way'.
This life is not what I thought it would be while growing up. What's happened to the travel and writing I had planned? When did my dreams of the future become something to mock and bypass? I would like to move but there is no real reason. I know if we ever move it will be due to my incessant bitching. I don't want to feel like I'm forcing my wife to move because like I said, there is no real reason to move. Just a dream!
The dream that always comes back to me is saving money and selling the surplus of garbage that has been collected and stored in the garage/closet etc and getting passports and going to teach English overseas for a year or a life time. Travel writing/blogging and travel photos by the best photographer ever. Could it be any better? Time will tell I guess. I've got the travel bug and am in dire need of change and culture!
I keep thinking, 'you know what, maybe I should just got do the post-bac and become a teacher too. That way we can get paid and still have travel time every year.' It's a thought that continues to reoccur over and over in my head. I know I say a lot of things and cancel them out and return to them but I can't get come to a decision. I'm working on that as well. I need to pick a path and run with it until the end. I do love the idea of traveling with my wife...me a teacher? Stranger things and all that.
I think I've been freaking out a lot lately due to nicotine withdraw and a desire for something different. I have trouble sitting one place doing one thing for too long. I don't believe that moving will solve this feeling of disquiet, but there is a desire within my soul that is begging to see something different. That is my problem, if you will call that a problem.
This rut that we live in is getting to me a little. I know a little rut'ness is a good thing but that being said I want to see the world and experience things that people like me, and maybe you too, don't ever see. You know,the stuff we only read or hear about or see on the travel channel. That's what I want to do.
Maybe Jimmy's right 'my occupations just not around'. Time will tell and I'm working on it.
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