Thoughts

So I missed a day in my attempt to write a little everyday...well I'm back. Not much on my mind tonight which for me is strange. I have been thinking a lot about the future and what it holds. I've applied for a Historian position but I don't hold out much hope. It's more of a crap shot then any real process of elimination. I know that I'm qualified and capable of being the best Historian they'll probably never hire but that being said it's more of a luck of the draw situation. I'm not holding my breath but my fingers are crossed.

I've also been thinking about other jobs outside of the data entry field. I'd love to open a coffee shop but the funding is hard to come by. It takes a lot of money to open up a place that could meet the quality and standards I'd expect. But I'm not ruling it out either. I've been checking usajobs.gov quite a lot as well...not much I'm qualified for or that I'd enjoy. So what to do what to do?

I've been wanting to be a writer for a long while now yet I find myself dreaming in my head and not even attempting to write any of it down. Maybe I'm scared or just lazy or both. But at every turn something 'comes up' that keeps me from doing what I know I'll be good at. I've always been a person that prefers the backdrop to the foreground. I'm not interested in leading the way, just paving it. I like to follow and have a long long leash to do as I see fit yet life doesn't appear to work that way. I'll make it work because that's how I am. I prefer things to fall in my lap rather then pursue them. Nothing I've ever really done has taken a lot of work...at least it seems that way. Maybe because when I find something I love or that I'm good at it just doesn't seem hard to me.

Take the most important thing in my life. My wife that just so happens to be my best friend. I used to think and I hear people talk about how hard it is to FIND that one person. Funny thing is I was miserable and lonely and headed down three different roads, which were all leading to my demise, when I just happened to walk through the proper door. I was invited over to a party at her place and I went. It was that simple! For me at that time in my life I never went to parties or went out really. I just decided that I needed to try something a little different that would get me out of my comfort zone and BAM there she was. I wasn't looking and all of a sudden the fire that was dim within me has now become a nova force to be reckoned with. I can't imagine life without her and I have no idea how I ever made it without her but I did...and I regret damn near every minute of it.

But to be that fortunate twice in one life would exceed any logic and truth that holds firm to this world and reality in general. I must write and leave the excuses for other things...I'm human lol. So now it's time to step out of the comfort zone again and hope to get smacked in the face with another wonderful surprise while working my ass off to obtain that which I desire...a completed manuscript written by yours truly.

Sleep you wicked fickle thing

I can't sleep again...imagine that. So I toss and turn and think and toss. So here I am trying to get some of this restlessness out of my system. Nothing new really to say today. Work was...well it was a Monday that's for sure. It went from meh to worse in no time. I'm glad the mistakes were caught but I wish that the bureaucratic attitudes that prevail at the cubical battlefield were more friendly to those on the same side. But I guess that's just the nature of the globalized laissez-faire world that I happen to live in work in.

I did get my entire application into Kirtland today so that is a bright light on this Monday. I really do hope that I'll hear back from them sooner than later but time will tell. I do have a couple of hopeful contacts that I shall attempt to call on tomorrow and see what is going on with the position. I would really like to become a full time Historian and I do like the idea of Albuquerque. If not this position then maybe another one will open up.

I also heard from Xbox today and my just started getting repaired so another plus for today! Ha I'm a closet geek it would appear...yet I live in the open as a closet prep so explain that combo to me!?

A true problem is figuring out this AdSense business...I really haven't spent that much time on but it's giving me fits. I need to look into that a little or a lot more. It'd be a nice add on to have.

Alright time to hit the sack. Maybe one day I'll actually come up with a theme for my blog and not just post nonsense on it...or start a new one I guess. Nice idea if I do say so myself, yet I struggle to even write on this one everyday.

meh we'll see.

Mind in overdrive

So it's a little late and I've got to be to work tomorrow but I just can't seem to find sleep. My mind has always been active by nature...some would argue over active. It's all point of view and whatnot. I am a consummate worrier even on nights like tonight when there is nothing to worry about. Am I forget about something I should be remembering ie. I'm worrying because I have nothing to worry about I guess. HA Maybe I'm just worried about work seeing how the weekend ends in about 10 minutes and Monday will be upon us once again?! Not sure but hey it's what I do.

I would say that I'm worried about smoking. It's the only real habit I've had in my life that I can't kick. One weak moment opens up another four months of smoking. It's tough but I've been through and survived worse. I'm no longer bullet proof and I can feel the years of this habit taking it's toll. Not that I'm sick or anything but I've become congested and I can hear myself breathing...raspy like a marble in a drain pipe. I've got the ole smokers hack building and my throat is always dry.

I've been off track on my diet for quite a while now and it worries me that I'm tossing one of the greatest opportunities I've ever had aside and returning to my true form...round and unhealthy. I need to call Dr. Syn and get a new blood work sheet sent to me and just go do it. I need to set an appointment with him as well. I'm so lethargically lazy these days that I can't seem to do anything that I need to.

I'm also worried about money. I'm not talking about the now but the future! I want to be able to be debt free and buy my wife the fanciest house in the world with all the trimmings and addon's. I know she doesn't care for all that but nonetheless she shall have it one day. I just want her to have the best...I get that from my dad I do believe.

I think the thing that is keeping the cogs turning the most this evening is the new position I applied for over the weekend. I would actually get to use my History degree! How sweet would that be?! If I get the job I will actually be employed as a Historian. FINAGH I could think of no better career than to be a paid HISTORIAN! The market is so tight and overcrowded that it won't be easy and that's the part that worries me the most. If I get the position there is no limit to the heights I could possibly go within the Historical field of study. Environmental Masters and PhD. Word. Published and quoted. I would get a chance to be involved within the Historical community and it would allow for great things.

I worry because I have a desire to move and it doesn't seem to be some passing fad in the night. It's just something I'd like to do and I think Albuquerque would be a good place. BAH there's no telling and as Hill says, "don't worry about what's out of your control." Wish it were actually that easy...which it probably is...she's usually right...the past four years she's yet to be wrong...good track record I'd say. ha

Forward movement not sitting idle.

Do you ever feel lost in a world without walls and only open doors? It’s as if THE answer to THE question is right around the corner yet there are no corners in sight. Don’t get me wrong! I’ve got the best wife, a great family and friends that would never allow me to feel alone again; that being said there is just something missing. I’m constantly searching but for what I do not know. I don’t believe in fate yet it would be nice to just run blindly into something you couldn’t find and weren’t looking for. Destiny is a separate beast all together. It’s not what gets you where you’re going, it IS where you are going and/or end up. But it’s untamed and unknown. Is this the modern term of God works in mysterious ways or is it a natural reaction to atoms and ions conjoining to form some larger picture? Either way something’s missing and I need to find it.

I seem to be stuck not in a rut but in a revolving door of lethargy and inability to act. Would a wiser person just make a decision to change and go for it even if it’s wrong? I’m a dreamer by birth but these dreams never leave me. I believe that I’m scared to act because this creative mind is mine and the world might not view it or except it they way I have. Lord knows how many things in my life have been ruined due to the lack of action and the monotony of the day dream process that loops through my head.

To write and paint and delve into the arts is a never ending dream of mine. Yet the talent, in my opinion, is not within me and therefore, via my opinion of myself, will persuade others to see it/me the same way. How do I create the stories/images on a two dimensional piece of paper come alive for all the world to see as I see it in my head? The fear eats at me and the lethargic mentality that flows in these veins holds me back, yet I’m the only thing, one, and obstacle in my way. So how to change that? Baby steps to perfection or a giant leap that could land me somewhere I’ve never thought of being or ever wanted to go? True the baby steps work but I’m not a baby step kind of guy. The leap, while fascinating, is all in all a shady prospect at best. It’s a crap shot with my life. Not that I mind digging holes God knows, but to drag others down with me is beyond my desire.

So the corner I seek is somewhere out in the land of the unknown leap I believe. Now after pontificating from this mountain top which way do I leap? WOW such an analytical dreamer…I’m a freak of nature…but not to worry the analytical strings aren’t secured strongly and every day is a struggle to stay grounded. I thank my wife and my father for keeping me grounded and my mother for allowing me to float in the stars. Now how to meld this being together? The process will be difficult I’m sure! Not one thing in life worth doing is easily achieved so I set off in a direction of unknown consequence and strike my claim on the dream, the creative dream of life that will not consist of carpeted half walls and interdepartmental bureaucracy. Now if I could just find my notebooks and pens and a place to begin…late nights await and fulfilling a destiny that I haven’t a clue about. Ready, set, go.

‘For every challenge could have paradise behind it.’ ~John Popper

Been Awhile

So I can't even remember the last time I wrote on my blog. I had a ton of plans and ways to use it to make money. But once again my Lethargic lazy ass lifestyle has allowed me once again to miss out on another opportunity. What can you do?...Change it and you and any and all things that allow you to fail. My life is SO right at this time in my life yet parts are SO wrong at the same time. Not real sure how to explain it!

I believe this is the exact reason I stopped painting and that I hardly ever write. My mind is a mess but my heart and soul are wonderful...soul could probably use a touch of work :)...so what's my deal? I just need to become a man that act upon decisions. I'm so fearful about failing and disappointing those I love again; I just can't allow that to solder my feet to the floor and make me inactive.

So time to toss the bad habits. I want to do well and love what I do but I'm not sure such a beast exists?! I love the idea of grad school but time will tell. Can a degreed Historian ever use any skills that were acquired during undergrad? I love the research and report writing but the only place you can find a job like that is either as a Prof or Lawyer!? Hmmmm..

The Game industry is also fascinating to me but to follow that road leads to living in a broken state of Cali...beautiful but tough. My mind never slows and I love it but I wouldn't wish it on anyone else. The creativity melds with my thought process and gives me wonderfully terrible thoughts that one day will allow me to be published. Yet again the lazy life and the fear of failure, or is it the idea of disappointing the holds me back? Maybe it's the fear of trying and failing to take the story I've given life to and putting it on paper while conveying the emotion and meaning that I feel while 'dreaming' it up? How do you do it?

Social Networking

I've really enjoyed the concepts of social networking. I hope that I can find a place in this world that will allow me to have a career in some aspect of social networking. I enjoy the ease and simplicity of blogging and the convenience of twitter. Both come straight to my phone, aka crackberry, and I really enjoy knowing whats going on in the world that I prefer to dwell. At the company I'm with now there is a big up shift in making the Internet site priority number one. I've been talking to the guy running lead on this and I have a meeting this Friday with him to discuss 'our' social networking hopes. Maybe I can get in that way.

I've also recently started watching @fourzerotwo on youtube and I would love to get into that aspect of social networking as well. He's the face and voice of Infinity Ward...love the games and gamers! But I haven't the slightest idea or 'project' to speak about when it comes to that road. I've also watched some simulcast/videos from my favorite authors. I am in the book business...sort of...and I do have some contacts within the publishing world but to do this I would have to find a job so we could move to the New York area. Not really interested in moving there. On the other hand it would be a step in that direction.

I've also found, thanks to @Brad_P, RebelFM on podcast at itunes. These cats are awesome and if you're into games give them a listen. @Chufmoney @dirtytea and @aegies and @talkingorange are some of the guys to follow on twitter. They run the the podcast and it is RAD. Now that would be something worth getting into. The game business is on a plateau right now but it will rebound. I'd also love to start podcasting for books...thrillers and medieval fantasy...but the writers are all over the place. Once again I don't want to move to the greater New York area. And starting a podcast has got to be expensive and overly time consuming. The time constraints wouldn't be and issue...but the acquisition of equipment and the hows and whys of setting one up are what get to me.

I hope to one day either work for a large gaming company or a publishing house...and above all become a NY Times best seller. I am gaining contacts in both industries at the moment and it's nice. Yet I'd still like to move from the retail side to the development side via social networking. Maybe my quasi meeting Friday will conjure up and entry into this side of the game. Keep your fingers crossed...I know mine will be.

Even though I complain a lot I know in my heart that I've got it great. I am a fortunate and blessed individual. I just have issues with career goals and ideas. I'm becoming more realistic now a days and I hope that I can turn this into a positive transition that will better my already GREAT life.

Feel free to leave comments or suggestions.

Fond Times Lost to Memories

So we are back from Red River and if you've never gone or it's been awhile since your last trip you should definitely check it out! The town has grown immeasurably since I first started going there. There are new shops, sidewalks, hotels, restaurants, and curbs...yes they now have curbs! I tried, and desperately wanted, to blog from our porch or balcony but my service only allowed for phone calls. The beauty of that place will make your soul weep and your psyche will swim in relaxation. It is truly a wondrous place to vacation with those closest to you. No need to worry if you're not the outdoorsy type, as I said shops/spas/touristy stuff. But if you love the outdoors, this place is marvelous.

The rivers were swift, Rio Grande was running 1700+ cfm, and the stream fishing left something to be desired. But this made for great white water rafting! We set out with Arnie from Los Rios Rafting and had an exhilarating time. The bulk of our weight, three 250+ guys, sat in the back of the raft so we caused everyone else to fell as if they were paddling a ski boat! The pictures are wonderful. The rapids were pulsing and the enjoyment was overwhelming, that is a definite must do!

The guys in the tackle shop told us about some beaver ponds east of town in a quasi wilderness area.I caught one trout and Hillary had a nice size trout hit her hook and she tried to set the hook at the same moment the fish breached. The hook went left and the fish went right. It was a beautiful sight to behold.

My wife allowed her inner mountain woman to take hold and we went trapezing through the underbrush and waded through thigh deep water. The ponds back there were exquisite and packed with wildlife. It took her ten minutes to traverse the overgrown terrain to make it out on the 'loch' wall where she stood and fished a beautiful water hole. The beauty of Hill in her element was breath taking and she looked serene and serious all at the same time. That was until she ran into the owner of said beaver dam. In a yelp I heard, "BEAVER"! Two minutes later she had covered ten minutes worth of ground and was by my side again. It didn't take her long to recover and we were off fishing again. The hardest part of that excursion was when she allowed me to take the lead and push through the animal trails. I found a nice little place that we couldn't go right or left and the steep, 90 degree angled, bank loomed in front of us. So we began the little, yet steep climb out and with some cuts and bruises we made it back to the road.

While we were trailblazing Phil, Miss (T-Handle), and Ben were fishing the first beaver pond. Cameron went up into the mountains by Questa and did a little back country fishing in the wild rapids. He said some small Brookies were biting but nothing else. It's still a little early in the season and with the snow melt filling and pushing the rivers its keeping most fish docile. And due to excessive drinking and sleep deprivation Matt stayed at the cabin and napped. We were all drinking like fish but he was staying up late. We missed him and he missed out but what can you do? Can't say I blame the guy, when we got back I ate and went to bed shortly there after. Ben caught three trout, Miss caught four. We ate like kings and queens that night; eight fish for six people plus kielbasa sausage and veggies. Miss won the first annual 'Ye lil ole fishing tournamentay' so she won...well nothing.

When we awoke the next morning the weather reflected the group emotion, depressive and weepy. We weren't looking forward to leaving our little commune! The beauty and enjoyment was behind us and the real world, rutted, stress laden, every day that we were allowed to escape from for three or four days. The purse was saved by 'daddy' and the vehicles were loaded. We pulled out to do a little shopping before lunch and to have one last hooray. We went through the over priced shops and back to Der Market...over priced as well...and bought some souvenirs. We found a wonderful little Catina style Mexican food joint, Tia Buenas, and had some wonderful food and conversation. Hillary, Melissa, Phil and I discussed some of the local real estate and business that were for sale. Maybe a dream or it may be our future?! Only time will truly tell. The entire trip home was over cast and rainy, just as my mood was. The real world loomed and the splendor that was our friendly fun filled trip had become fond memories.

Until next time my friends...until next time.