Inner Author

I've come to understand that I can write better than I speak. I've heard that it's due to not having to look into anyone's face, or that you have spell check, etc. Yet I know this isn't the case. It's easier for me to write for the fact that I understand myself when there is a pad or keyboard in front of me. When I am driven to write it isn't over petty thoughts or desires. It seems to be more of a stress relief or my soul yearning to make its presence known. I don't regret what I write for the most part, because I always allow my writing to sleep and give myself a chance to look with fresh eyes. This process could be as little as a day or as long as several years. Sometimes I look at what I've written and think, 'Wow, did I write that?' Or, ' Wow, I really wrote that?' It's a way to free my mind and allow myself to be me.

I've been journaling more as of late and I can feel my life righting it's self without any attempt on my part. I've always been told to write what I know and what does any single being know better than themselves? Is it any wonder why the true artists infringe upon their own life while creating? Introspection is a powerful tool that too few people use. I've learned what is private and what is otherwise unclassified and can be shared. I journal my feelings and write my thoughts. At times they seem to overlap or become so muddled with each other that you can't see one from the other. I love this fact of life. We are who we are, nothing more nothing less.

I have kept my emotions inside and allowed them to sit forgotten until they have spoiled and this does no one any good. I write my feelings and express myself in my own light. When writing I fear no backlash or retribution because I know I've thought it out to the fullest and if it offends people then it is meant to offend those people. I'm not saying that I don't speak my feelings and emotions to those close to me, I'm saying it's easier to understand the fibers of my being in written form. I can grasp the name of my subconscious self and reflect on what I hear when I write. When I speak, I can hardly make my thoughts legible for my mind to grasp so how can anyone around me understand what I'm saying.

The more I allow myself to be the more I am. If this makes sense? Life is on its own path divined by God or your creator and all you can do is follow and allow it to go. At the same time, you can tilt it into a certain direction but you can't force it. With time, the tilt becomes the direction and you end up where you need. While forcing it will only cause you grief and frustration. It's been said I have an old soul, or a heavy soul, either way I just believe that my introspection has caused me to want something different from the norm. Alternatively, it could be that what I've found in myself is different then what most have found in themselves. By this, I mean that my soul is mine and it goes where I want it to go and where it should go. I prefer the idea of a Utopia to a Capitalist structure but I live in the world I live in and I make do with what I can. I love the deeper side of things for the pure fact those that follow that path show proof of a struggle.

When it's natural, it's wonderful. However, I often come across people that try to be introspective and cognizant of the deeper understanding prove nothing but the lack of desire to understand. In no way am I one of the great thinkers yet I try to gain a deeper understanding out of everything I come across on a daily basis. In doing this I learn to coexist with the world beyond my door. Life is an adventure and it shouldn't be faked. When I write it seems like my worldly form disappears and my soul speaks to me via letters on a page. It seems as if my internal self allows me to see what I really think. Strange yes, complicated to understand and/or explain, you had better believe it.

When I write it's like I'm on a long drive and once I reach my destination I don't remember any of the road. I take over for myself and lead the way. It's a beautifully odd thing and it works perfectly for me. I have also come to find that I write through painting. Yet again, my inner self steps in and puts my feelings/emotions on canvas. When it doesn't my painting is lack luster to say the best. Not only the quality of the painting but the overall experience.

Life seems to have its own way of working and you can either accept that and help guide it or you can get dragged behind kicking, bitching and screaming. I'm trying to gain a deeper understanding of the world and I hope to be the first and not the latter. Writing is my addiction and my safe place wrapped in one. It's water for my soul and a pillow for my head yet it's my downfall to complete understanding. It's a lesson in learning, patience, and understanding. It's a long arduous road yet it's a blessing to be on.

Winston!!

We took a road trip up through the TX panhandle to meet our new puppy today. We were so excited the whole way there. We had Winston picked out for a boy's name and Juliet picked out for a girl's name. Conversation on road trips in the Deaver car is always great! We rarely turn the radio up past the lowest level, because our chatting is better than any music on! (we have XM radio too, so I am sure there is good stuff on there!) Josh would periodically "scratch" the ears of his (for now) imaginary dog and say, "You's a good boy!" LOL This puppy is going to be spoiled!

Conversation is never interrupted due to scenery. If you have never been around Amarillo and its surroundings, you aren't missing much! My mom did remind me today that we have beautiful sunrises and sunsets! TRUE! Thanks, Mom, for finding the beauty in our home!

Taking the road down to the owner's home...we ran into what we call Winston's step-brothers. On the country road, they were just a few feet from the car! Josh tried to get me to get out to take the picture, but I refused and shot the pic out the window! YIKES! I am such a city girl!


After spending a little while with the 5 pups in the litter, we had it narrowed down to three. "How will we ever decide?" I asked. Scarlett, the owner, had great information for us! She is very knowledgeable about the breed! What a sweet lady. We could have stayed all day and played with the pups! There was the runt with only one black spot over one eye. There was the playful girl that carried the toys around and the dough belly girl that was "the hunter!" She was curious! AND...Winston, of course, the only brother in the group. He liked Josh's lap as we sat in the middle of the living room with puppies everywhere! Juliet (yes, we named another one while we were there) was SO VERY CUTE! I could not decide.


An hour later, we were taking pictures of Winston before we left. I mentioned to Josh at one point that he had to hand him back over...then I held him and he had to remind ME that we had to give him back for now! Winston will soon come home and be part of the Deavi! We cannot wait! Love him already!

Creative Outlet

I've decided I need to find a creative outlet. I love to paint but the oil paint makes the house smell. It makes my wife sick and after awhile, I must admit, it makes my stomach ill as well. Writing well, I like to write but sitting down and writing from my imagination never turns out like I want it too. It's a difficult task to create your own world and get the proper emotion into your characters. I need to go back to nonfiction writing I think. It's fact based on your research, yet that too is overwhelming at times. My point of view or new idea is hard to make credible with all the PhD's floating around writing about what is. I thought about hunting too. This idea I like but it's expensive and my wife isn't fond of the idea of guns in the house. I'm not comfortable with guns either yet I'd like to learn. The problem is you have to spend tons of money up front just to find out if you even like it. I've always wanted to learn the art of welding. You can do art and projects with it, but we'll see.

I just feel like I'm floating in constant hiatus waiting for something to happen. Why not make it happen. Become me and do things I like while becoming a more proactive positive person. Sounds like a reasonable plan. So away we go.

First proactive/positive thing I plan on doing is going to get my teaching certificate. I need to stay after the Post Bacc guy to get me some information and to get me enrolled. So away we go.

Day of struggle

Well today was, it was bad. Not only is the weather getting cold and making my ankle swell up like an old man but internally I was just not with it today. I don't think it was just today either. It seems as if this has been sneaking up on me for awhile now. But today if culminated into a full blown internal soul crushing melt down. It was rough but after a little bit of news it got better. Not that anything was really wrong. I think I just don't care for myself...parts at least. I decided to take Hill's advice and not to fret and worry over the things that I cannot control. AND I decided that I need to be a more positive person in all things. Instead of looking at obstacles as a set back I need to look at them as something to overcome and to learn from. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? Well I hope so because I'm balls to the wall and nothings going to slow me down.

Not only that but the future is looking bright. For the first time in my life I have a goal that I've made for myself and not set by someone else. I know, pathetic huh?! Well I'm proud to say it's mine and I'll accomplish it and I can't wait to see what that feels like.

Good days

So I turned in my application for the PACE program. I'm pumped. I know there is a lot left to do on this road I'm traveling but hey, it's worth it. I still have a test to take and some interviews and some in class work and some observation to do but I am definitely ready. So the long haul begins and I'm sitting in the drivers seat for the first time in a long time. Up up and away my friends.

It was nice getting to hangout and talk with my cousin Emily today as well. I always enjoy getting to hang with my fam.

Well, time to do the online interview.

Keep up the PACE

So this year has begun very well so far. I've completed the application for the PACE program and I am turning it in tomorrow. I hope to hear back soon with my acceptance. Once that begins our 'brighter future' will start. I can't wait for it to start. I'm in the process of setting up my new mini with Office and whatnot, as soon as it's all set I'll be posting my stories and other creatively artistic works posted on here. It will everything you could hope for...so please come back...if you're here at all.

New Years Resolution

So being the new year it's time for a serious revolution of the resolution. There are several things to stop/change/start and I know that I can't do them all at once. So lets do some baby stepping.

1.) Write every day...on here and on my mini.
2.) Stop smoking...I want to live longer so I can monopolies my wife's time.
3.) Become more active...physically and within the community.

That is what I'm shooting for this year. It won't be easy but it needs to be done. I didn't want to even sit down for the five minutes it would take to type this out. Strange things happen and when I booted up the computer for some reason the feel of the keys under my finger tips just felt right. It's a comforting feeling sitting here rubbing the keys on the keyboard. It's strange but it feels...right/pleasing/comforting? All of the above. Hmmm?