Frustration of the career change

It seems that certain entities like to punish you for bettering yourself. Maybe I'm being harsh, it could be softened by stating that they aren't punishing you, just taking advantage of your situation. I love the new career! I feel as if this is where I'm meant to be, but the hoops and 'fines' I'm paying to do it don't seem worth it. Maybe I'm a little bias due to the fact that I think this 'Graduate Level' class I'm taking would be better served to a 5th grader over a bed of rice. It's simple and infuriating. I don't understand why I must, but I must. Therefore I will. Thanks for the rant. It's been too long.

Pit of my stomach

I'm not sure why but I'm afraid of work. So it would seem anyways. I haven't a clue as to how I got to this position but here I stand, broken and nervous and anxious all the time. I don't believe that I actually fear work but I'm feel so far behind that I'm always nervous about it. Maybe I'm lazy and don't want to do it? Well how do I work so many extra hours and still fall short? I just need to sit down and do work. I need to get organized for sure and work smarter not harder. I know in a few months everything will sort itself out, but can I make it another few months? Nothing beats working hard, working your ass off. That's how you get caught up, that's how you get ahead. I just need to remember to keep my head down and get everything completed. I'm in need of relief in the form of other employees being hired on to take over part of my caseload but there's nothing that can be done about that on our end. I need to sit down with the boss and let her know what's going on and get back on track. I'm tired of feeling this way. A grown ass man shouldn't have these issues with work. I have a family, hopefully a bigger family sooner than later, and a life that takes priority over this job. Sit down, shut up and focus. Do work.

Where did it become putrid

I enjoyed this job, had hopes for this job. I have no idea where it went wrong or why I hate it. The people are great, the policies are fucked. I can't keep up and the catch phrase is "I promise it gets better." Bullshit I say, one grows numb but it doesn't get better. I sit down to focus and am interrupted with important stuff, other peoples important stuff. I can't get caught up, and I'm beyond caring about it yet I stress over it everyday. I will die young if I keep this job. I know I will. Heart attack or stroke brought on by stress. High blood pressure causing death. Something along those lines. You can quote me.

But where do I go? I feel incompetent here and under qualified elsewhere,  every where. We want to have a baby and I want my wife to be as comfortable as possible and stress free so I refuse to quit. I want a baby, I want said child to have a great life, therefore I won't quit. Maybe it will get better. Maybe it won't.

Random things

So random things pop in my head all the time. Thoughts that just appear from nowhere and make complete sense at the time, yet they have no point or meaning. Such as, "does one lose hope or do you just ponder the options." It made sense at the time but when you delve into the meaning it's obtuse at best.
Can your mind act as a lone entity within the confines of yourself? Do you contemplate and become fixated on one thing, idea, subject etc. so long that it becomes unanswerable or do you just lose site of the tree for the forest? Can you become so fixated on it that the outcome really doesn't matter or do you become jaded to the idea that the answer isn't the one you want, no matter how true it is, that you keep searching for something until you realize the answer you want isn't the answer to that question.
Yes, this is my thought process most of the day. I don't like living in my head yet I refuse to become medicated an completely turn it off. If you allow that to happen you are no longer you, you become them, whoever they might be. Makes sense right. Bah.
Maybe some people are meant to be unhappy in certain aspects of life while being elated at other aspects. My home life and family life is more than I could have ever hoped for, yet "what I want to be" is a fickle bitch of a question. I can't get it figured out. Is it a question that can be answered? Doubtful.
Dreams are of the stars and they don't descend to this level of existence,  so we must rise up to meet them correct? I'm not so sure. Every person doesn't deserve a trophy. But finding myself contemplating these questions makes me a wreck but I cannot just flip a switch and shut it off. So the venture continues and I remind myself of the good things, of the ground under my feet, of the questions answered. It keeps me happy and she makes me happy. Thus these are the Ravings of Deaver. Pointless and fruitless it seems. It helps me empty the garbage of my mind and opens more space to fill with unanswerable questions and random phrases and thoughts in my mind.
If dreams come true what shape do the take?

Where do you start...

I want to write. I want to be a writer. There I said it. Easier said than done. I haven’t the faintest clue as to why I don’t “Just write”. I’m scared, I’m lazy, and really don’t know how. I’ve taken classes on writing, I’ve read thousands of books. Yet when I sit down at the computer I just don’t know where to start. What type of book do I want to write? Do I want to write a book or a screen play or what? I’m not sure. I’ve got ideas yet I have no clue. I hate my professional life. I want to write and create, not sit at a desk and do work for others. Life is to short. But how do you write? There are styles and techniques yet where do you start? I know that I want to write as a career. Maybe I should start an online publication. Maybe I should do freelance. Maybe I should just get my foot in the door some how, but where, how? Time to hit the intranets and find out I guess.

…where do you start?

Inner Author

I've come to understand that I can write better than I speak. I've heard that it's due to not having to look into anyone's face, or that you have spell check, etc. Yet I know this isn't the case. It's easier for me to write for the fact that I understand myself when there is a pad or keyboard in front of me. When I am driven to write it isn't over petty thoughts or desires. It seems to be more of a stress relief or my soul yearning to make its presence known. I don't regret what I write for the most part, because I always allow my writing to sleep and give myself a chance to look with fresh eyes. This process could be as little as a day or as long as several years. Sometimes I look at what I've written and think, 'Wow, did I write that?' Or, ' Wow, I really wrote that?' It's a way to free my mind and allow myself to be me.

I've been journaling more as of late and I can feel my life righting it's self without any attempt on my part. I've always been told to write what I know and what does any single being know better than themselves? Is it any wonder why the true artists infringe upon their own life while creating? Introspection is a powerful tool that too few people use. I've learned what is private and what is otherwise unclassified and can be shared. I journal my feelings and write my thoughts. At times they seem to overlap or become so muddled with each other that you can't see one from the other. I love this fact of life. We are who we are, nothing more nothing less.

I have kept my emotions inside and allowed them to sit forgotten until they have spoiled and this does no one any good. I write my feelings and express myself in my own light. When writing I fear no backlash or retribution because I know I've thought it out to the fullest and if it offends people then it is meant to offend those people. I'm not saying that I don't speak my feelings and emotions to those close to me, I'm saying it's easier to understand the fibers of my being in written form. I can grasp the name of my subconscious self and reflect on what I hear when I write. When I speak, I can hardly make my thoughts legible for my mind to grasp so how can anyone around me understand what I'm saying.

The more I allow myself to be the more I am. If this makes sense? Life is on its own path divined by God or your creator and all you can do is follow and allow it to go. At the same time, you can tilt it into a certain direction but you can't force it. With time, the tilt becomes the direction and you end up where you need. While forcing it will only cause you grief and frustration. It's been said I have an old soul, or a heavy soul, either way I just believe that my introspection has caused me to want something different from the norm. Alternatively, it could be that what I've found in myself is different then what most have found in themselves. By this, I mean that my soul is mine and it goes where I want it to go and where it should go. I prefer the idea of a Utopia to a Capitalist structure but I live in the world I live in and I make do with what I can. I love the deeper side of things for the pure fact those that follow that path show proof of a struggle.

When it's natural, it's wonderful. However, I often come across people that try to be introspective and cognizant of the deeper understanding prove nothing but the lack of desire to understand. In no way am I one of the great thinkers yet I try to gain a deeper understanding out of everything I come across on a daily basis. In doing this I learn to coexist with the world beyond my door. Life is an adventure and it shouldn't be faked. When I write it seems like my worldly form disappears and my soul speaks to me via letters on a page. It seems as if my internal self allows me to see what I really think. Strange yes, complicated to understand and/or explain, you had better believe it.

When I write it's like I'm on a long drive and once I reach my destination I don't remember any of the road. I take over for myself and lead the way. It's a beautifully odd thing and it works perfectly for me. I have also come to find that I write through painting. Yet again, my inner self steps in and puts my feelings/emotions on canvas. When it doesn't my painting is lack luster to say the best. Not only the quality of the painting but the overall experience.

Life seems to have its own way of working and you can either accept that and help guide it or you can get dragged behind kicking, bitching and screaming. I'm trying to gain a deeper understanding of the world and I hope to be the first and not the latter. Writing is my addiction and my safe place wrapped in one. It's water for my soul and a pillow for my head yet it's my downfall to complete understanding. It's a lesson in learning, patience, and understanding. It's a long arduous road yet it's a blessing to be on.

Winston!!

We took a road trip up through the TX panhandle to meet our new puppy today. We were so excited the whole way there. We had Winston picked out for a boy's name and Juliet picked out for a girl's name. Conversation on road trips in the Deaver car is always great! We rarely turn the radio up past the lowest level, because our chatting is better than any music on! (we have XM radio too, so I am sure there is good stuff on there!) Josh would periodically "scratch" the ears of his (for now) imaginary dog and say, "You's a good boy!" LOL This puppy is going to be spoiled!

Conversation is never interrupted due to scenery. If you have never been around Amarillo and its surroundings, you aren't missing much! My mom did remind me today that we have beautiful sunrises and sunsets! TRUE! Thanks, Mom, for finding the beauty in our home!

Taking the road down to the owner's home...we ran into what we call Winston's step-brothers. On the country road, they were just a few feet from the car! Josh tried to get me to get out to take the picture, but I refused and shot the pic out the window! YIKES! I am such a city girl!


After spending a little while with the 5 pups in the litter, we had it narrowed down to three. "How will we ever decide?" I asked. Scarlett, the owner, had great information for us! She is very knowledgeable about the breed! What a sweet lady. We could have stayed all day and played with the pups! There was the runt with only one black spot over one eye. There was the playful girl that carried the toys around and the dough belly girl that was "the hunter!" She was curious! AND...Winston, of course, the only brother in the group. He liked Josh's lap as we sat in the middle of the living room with puppies everywhere! Juliet (yes, we named another one while we were there) was SO VERY CUTE! I could not decide.


An hour later, we were taking pictures of Winston before we left. I mentioned to Josh at one point that he had to hand him back over...then I held him and he had to remind ME that we had to give him back for now! Winston will soon come home and be part of the Deavi! We cannot wait! Love him already!