Pit of my stomach

I'm not sure why but I'm afraid of work. So it would seem anyways. I haven't a clue as to how I got to this position but here I stand, broken and nervous and anxious all the time. I don't believe that I actually fear work but I'm feel so far behind that I'm always nervous about it. Maybe I'm lazy and don't want to do it? Well how do I work so many extra hours and still fall short? I just need to sit down and do work. I need to get organized for sure and work smarter not harder. I know in a few months everything will sort itself out, but can I make it another few months? Nothing beats working hard, working your ass off. That's how you get caught up, that's how you get ahead. I just need to remember to keep my head down and get everything completed. I'm in need of relief in the form of other employees being hired on to take over part of my caseload but there's nothing that can be done about that on our end. I need to sit down with the boss and let her know what's going on and get back on track. I'm tired of feeling this way. A grown ass man shouldn't have these issues with work. I have a family, hopefully a bigger family sooner than later, and a life that takes priority over this job. Sit down, shut up and focus. Do work.

Where did it become putrid

I enjoyed this job, had hopes for this job. I have no idea where it went wrong or why I hate it. The people are great, the policies are fucked. I can't keep up and the catch phrase is "I promise it gets better." Bullshit I say, one grows numb but it doesn't get better. I sit down to focus and am interrupted with important stuff, other peoples important stuff. I can't get caught up, and I'm beyond caring about it yet I stress over it everyday. I will die young if I keep this job. I know I will. Heart attack or stroke brought on by stress. High blood pressure causing death. Something along those lines. You can quote me.

But where do I go? I feel incompetent here and under qualified elsewhere,  every where. We want to have a baby and I want my wife to be as comfortable as possible and stress free so I refuse to quit. I want a baby, I want said child to have a great life, therefore I won't quit. Maybe it will get better. Maybe it won't.

Random things

So random things pop in my head all the time. Thoughts that just appear from nowhere and make complete sense at the time, yet they have no point or meaning. Such as, "does one lose hope or do you just ponder the options." It made sense at the time but when you delve into the meaning it's obtuse at best.
Can your mind act as a lone entity within the confines of yourself? Do you contemplate and become fixated on one thing, idea, subject etc. so long that it becomes unanswerable or do you just lose site of the tree for the forest? Can you become so fixated on it that the outcome really doesn't matter or do you become jaded to the idea that the answer isn't the one you want, no matter how true it is, that you keep searching for something until you realize the answer you want isn't the answer to that question.
Yes, this is my thought process most of the day. I don't like living in my head yet I refuse to become medicated an completely turn it off. If you allow that to happen you are no longer you, you become them, whoever they might be. Makes sense right. Bah.
Maybe some people are meant to be unhappy in certain aspects of life while being elated at other aspects. My home life and family life is more than I could have ever hoped for, yet "what I want to be" is a fickle bitch of a question. I can't get it figured out. Is it a question that can be answered? Doubtful.
Dreams are of the stars and they don't descend to this level of existence,  so we must rise up to meet them correct? I'm not so sure. Every person doesn't deserve a trophy. But finding myself contemplating these questions makes me a wreck but I cannot just flip a switch and shut it off. So the venture continues and I remind myself of the good things, of the ground under my feet, of the questions answered. It keeps me happy and she makes me happy. Thus these are the Ravings of Deaver. Pointless and fruitless it seems. It helps me empty the garbage of my mind and opens more space to fill with unanswerable questions and random phrases and thoughts in my mind.
If dreams come true what shape do the take?

Where do you start...

I want to write. I want to be a writer. There I said it. Easier said than done. I haven’t the faintest clue as to why I don’t “Just write”. I’m scared, I’m lazy, and really don’t know how. I’ve taken classes on writing, I’ve read thousands of books. Yet when I sit down at the computer I just don’t know where to start. What type of book do I want to write? Do I want to write a book or a screen play or what? I’m not sure. I’ve got ideas yet I have no clue. I hate my professional life. I want to write and create, not sit at a desk and do work for others. Life is to short. But how do you write? There are styles and techniques yet where do you start? I know that I want to write as a career. Maybe I should start an online publication. Maybe I should do freelance. Maybe I should just get my foot in the door some how, but where, how? Time to hit the intranets and find out I guess.

…where do you start?